Taste of Orlando

As a last hurrah before heading back to work, I packed up the family last week and headed to Orlando. Here is a snippet of what we were eating (and drinking) during our three day visit.

Ethos Vegan Kitchen |  601-B South New York Avenue, Winter Park

Nothing combats the lingering effects of a late night arrival better than an all vegan brunch. Because of their relatively early opening, the family and I drove to Ethos Vegan Kitchen in Winter Park to fulfill our vegan brunch needs. For whatever reason, I had avoided this place every time I previously visited Orlando. As soon as I walked through the doors, I wondered what I had been thinking. This place was love at first sight. Big windows, interesting artwork, a high brow bar and low brow seating all flowed together to create an aesthetically pleasing restaurant. All that would be for naught if the food wasn't good. No need to worry, this place was absolutely toothsome.

Ethos' brunch menu is less extensive than their typical daily one. Still, despite its scaled down appearance, I still did quite a bit of waffling. Decisions, decisions. In the end the breakfast burrito called my name. The burrito is stuffed with tofu scramble, home fries and vegan sausage and smothered in vegan sausage gravy. I loved the combination of tofu, sausage and home fries and the sausage gravy was some of the best I've had. Anywhere. Ever. The completely smothered burrito just sort of melted right into my mouth. The only downfall of it was you couldn't eat it with your hands. A small price to pay for such a delicious dish. J-Fur ordered a cinnamon bun and Ethos' newest brunch offering, the breakfast skillet. The cinnamon bun was perfect. Soft and full of flavorful cinnamon. This is how all vegan cinnamon buns should roll. The skillet seemed like it would be right up our alley considering it included tofu scramble, lots of sauteed veggies (like onions, green peppers, red peppers and broccoli) breakfast sausage, home fries and cheddar cheese. Unfortunately the skillet was a bit too oily (yes even for me). Two perfect items, one good one. I'll take that every day of the week.

Erin McKenna's Bakery NYC | 1642 East Buena Vista, Orlando

We visited Erin McKenna's Bakery a few years ago after a Walk the Moon concert at House of Blues. The show ended pretty late and we high-tailed it over to the bakery, getting in the door right before closing. We ordered a cupcake and, well, I wasn't super impressed. This is what they eat in New York? No thank you. After two visits to Brooklyn last summer, I felt that I could definitely say New Yorkers know how to eat. So Erin McKenna's Bakery got one more shot.

I'm glad it did. We ordered two cupcakes (for J-Fur), a pineapple upside down cake (for me) and a shot of frosting (for Z-Bot). The two cupcakes were both moist and delicious. Neither was saturated with sweetness. I was surprised, being a total fruit dessert fan, that I actually liked the chocolate cupcake (not pictured above because it was already eaten) slightly better than the berry one. The berry one had a lingering aftertaste of something that neither of us could place. The chocolate was wham, bam, thank you maim with nothing hanging around after. Neither cupcake could hold a candle (is that a thing people say?) to the pineapple upside down cake. Again, perfectly moist, sticky, with big pineapple rings. This cake is what all fruit desserts should strive to be. I tried to eat only a little and save the rest for later but that didn't happen. I scarfed the entire thing right then and there. #NoRegrets. I didn't eat any of the frosting shot because Z-Bot was too busy wearing it on her face like a dessert badge of honor. She loved it.

The most amazing part of Erin McKenna's bakery? Everything is not only vegan, but gluten free. Normally I can tell when things are gluten free. Erin McKenna's did a great job masking it. I look forward to my next visit to Disney Springs just so I can eat these desserts again.

Lemon Shark Poke |  7600 Dr Phillips Blvd Suite 102, Orlando 

Lemon Shark Poke wasn't on the list of places I bookmarked before going to Orlando. It was more of a whim...sical move (clang!). We wound up here because after walking Disney Springs, J-Fur said she was hungry for sushi. I Yelped sushi and Lemon Shark Poke came up with a hot and new designation and a lot of really good reviews. It wasn't too terribly far away so we headed in that direction

Lemon Poke Shark can best be described as what happens when a sushi joint copulates with a choose-your-own-food-adventure restaurant like Chipotle. You start by picking a style. You can get a bowl, sort of like deconstructed sushi, or you can get a sushirito (sushi that is as big as a burrito). Next, you select a base. This can be won ton strips, white rice, brown rice, black rice, salad or a combination of any two. J-Fur combined brown rice and the won ton strips in her bowl. After that, you pick from various proteins. The only vegetarian friendly one offered is tofu. Finally, you fill the rest of the bowl with various pickled and fresh vegetables, sauces, seasonings and seeds. J-Fur's bowl was awesome. It was full of vegetables that tasted fresh, not like they had been sitting around a while and tasty tofu. The crunch of the won ton chips and the soft, chewiness of the rice offered a pleasing food dichotomy. She ate her bowl quickly and was very satisfied. If they story ended there, we would've left and thought man, Lemon Poke Shark was a fine place to eat. But it didn't end because J-Fur was so satisfied with her meal that she decided to take a sushirito to go. She wasn't quite as pleased with it because she didn't put any won ton strips in so they sushirito lacked the crunch that she so thoroughly enjoyed from the bowl. I thought the sushirito was really good. So good that I started researching Tampa sushirito places before I pulled out of the parking lot.

Z-Bot also ate at Lemon Poke Shark and this is my only complaint about the place. She is very picky and only wanted some rice, carrots and corn. The employees kept asking are we sure she doesn't want some type of protein. We said no because she doesn't eat meat and she isn't really a tofu fan. Unfortunately that left her bowl rather small and yet she was charged full price. I know the employees felt bad, that's why they kept asking if she wanted more. Maybe a way to do some rice and veggies a la carte for the picky eaters might be something to consider.

The District at Mills 50 | 1221 N Mills Ave, Orlando

After spending some time at My Little Town, an indoor play area that Z-Bot absolutely adored, J-Fur and I wanted to track down some kombucha on tap. We could've gone to Market on South, but I was still full from breakfast and I couldn't bear going there without eating. Most of the other places I bookmarked that had kombucha were already closed. That meant a visit to The District at Mills 50.

I bookmarked this place because it was a store that was full of various vegan items. When we arrived I was quite pleased to find they had a lot more vegan food items than I thought they would. I perused the coolers, checking out the various nutmylks, pizzas and drinks that they had for sale. I approached the bar and asked the barista about the tapped kombucha. He said it was a watermelon mint one. Unlike Market on South, which taps Humble Bumble kombucha, the District serves the Orlando City Kombucha brand. This was our first experience with Orlando City Kombucha. Both J-Fur and I were pleased that the watermelon mint was light and refreshing and not overburdened with mint (in fact, I wasn't even sure the mint was in there). Definitely a pleasing kombucha.

I didn't plan on eating anything but the giant peanut butter brownies on the bar looked fabulous so, I ate dessert. Again. After ordering the brownie, the extremely friendly barista asked if I wanted ice cream on it. Sure, it's vegan, why not? He then asked if I wanted homemade caramel on it. And that, my friends, is how my simple brownie became an elaborate dessert. But boy was I glad I did it. All three of those food components played off each other nicely. The ice cream, which has a coconut base, didn't even taste like coconut. The chocolate and peanut butter of the brownie were, well, a match made in vegan heaven. The caramel sauce was a great finishing touch.

Lazy Moon Pizza | 11551 University Blvd, Orlando 

Lazy Moon Pizza came about because Z-Bot said she wanted pizza. This place was extremely close to the District, so we rolled into the parking lot and pulled up the menu. J-Fur asked for the Asian tempeh salad with ginger dressing (pictured above). Z-Bot said she was super hungry so we ordered two slices for her. I almost got myself a slice because Lazy Moon offers vegan cheese but the brownie had down me in.

Boy, two slices was a mistake of gigantic proportions. These slices are not your typical Papa John sized slices. One slice was the size of Z-Bot's torso (I guess that is why their website says you have to eat their pizza slices with two hands). No wonder slices cost four dollars each. Needless to say Z-Bot could only finish one slice so J-Fur ate the other. That meant her salad went untouched. No worries, I ate it the next morning for breakfast.

Drunken Monkey | 444 N Bumby Ave, Orlando
Our final stop on the trip (only because the Humble Bumble taproom we visited afterwards wasn't open despite the sign that said it was open on Sundays) was Drunken Monkey coffee shop. This place offered numerous vegan coffees, pastries and sandwiches. It also has some non vegan and meat items as well. I wanted a flavored latte. I looked at the list of Drunken Monkey flavorings that they had right by the counter. This was quite an extensive list. Flavors like cherry, lavender, chocolate, etc. I would estimate there were about 25 plus different choices. I love that the coffee shop lists right on the flavoring card, which ones are better when paired with chocolate and which ones are vegan. That saved me from asking a ton of questions. I ordered a cherry and dark chocolate iced latte with hemp milk. Yep, you read that right, hemp milk. First coffee shop ever that had hemp milk as a dairy alternative.

Whoa. For those of you that love coffee, this is probably not the place for you. I couldn't even taste coffee beneath the cherry and chocolate flavorings. I do love a good coffee but even more than that, I love a good drink. This latte was a great drink! My only regret was that I had but one latte to give to my body. If I could've handled the caffeine, I would've gone down that latte list trying multiple flavors. I guess I know where I will be getting my coffee fix next time I am in Orlando.

That's it. That's our weekend in a vegan nutmylk shell.

Food Flavored Album Review: I'm Not Alright by John Joseph Brill

My 13th favorite song last year belonged to the "brandy-warm baritone songsmith," John Joseph Brill. This year, JJ Brill has been hard at work on his brand new EP, I'm Not Alright, which was released about two weeks ago. I decided to give I'm Not Alright the Food Flavored Album treatment alongside a Chickpea Indian Bowl I whipped up the other night (except I was out of chickpeas so it became a Cannellini Indian Bowl).

JJ Brill spent his early 20s as lead man in the London based heavy rock outfit Burning Beard. In 2013 he wanted to explore a more confessional and honest form of songwriting. He left Burning Beard and went out on his own. It was here, as a solo artist, that he began writing and performing songs about heartbreak, death and friendship. "I'm Not Alright," the EP opener and the one the EP is named for, explores the former. The track was born out of a breakup that left Brill out of both money and home. The more he put into "I'm Not Alright" the more it transitioned into something more than just a breakup song. It is about people who are hurting or scared or not well having the right to just speak up and say "I'm Not Alright." The music for the track has a relaxing and comfortable 80's feel to it.

"I'm Not Alright" exists on this EP in the same space that the beans take up in the Indian Bowl. For one, the chickpeas being replaced by cannellini (can this still be an Indian bowl then?) is definitely something that traditionalists will claim is not alright. More than that, beans are a comfort food, something that can turn a mood because they remind you of something in your past that was positive. Beans are also super cheap. They are the kind of meal that you eat when you are broke and/or broken.  


"Smoke," the second track on the EP, is an atmospheric electro-pop ballad that slowly builds in passionate intensity. It seems to be about escapism and turning to vices to forget the pain of meeting someone that fulfills everything you've ever wanted and then losing them ("You were all I wanted...wrapped up in smoke").

In the Indian Bowl those vices would be symbolized by the chickpea sauce. This sauce is created by combining all kinds of powders (curry, cumin, cinnamon, ground ginger, coriander), tomatoes and coconut milk. These items, when put together just so, can deliver you from your heartbreak...at least for a little while. Then, like all vices, that feeling fades and you are back chest deep in broken-hearted suffering.



"A Place To Drown" is another ballad, although this one is steeped in piano. If "Smoke" seemed like balladry that would be found in a Future Islands discography, "A Place to Drown" is more Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. The theme of "A Place To Drown" is one that I waiver back and forth on. My first take was that JJ Brill was pouring his love out in a strangely dark way. I mean "If you need a place to drown, I'll be the water" is tragically romantic. But on repeated listen it became clear that the subject wasn't ok. He was suffering from violent outbreaks, a silent phone, a former partner's laughter and ghosts of the relationship that crumbled. So this idea of drowning, was that just another way of signifying the violence felt? Like literally, if you need to die, let me be the one that helps with that?
Whatever the case, "A Place To Drown" is haunting. It is also, in my opinion, the strongest track on the album because of its staying power.

The staying power of the Indian Bowl (and the piece that "drowns" and appears "ghostly") would have to be the coconut milk. It is also the ingredient that ties the whole recipe together.



"The Leaving Song" focuses on just that, leaving. It is about the ending and the confusion that comes along with it. The pain of hearing those words you never thought you'd hear and wondering why it had to happen ("Why'd you'd have to go and say a thing like that, such a dreadful thing as goodbye"). This song utilizes more indie rock techniques than the others. If we are considering it a ballad, which it still comes off as, it would be more of your power ballad. This song is the yin to the EP's yang. There are the backup vocals that are distant and screamed, there's also the sparks of musical elements at the end which seems like it could've come from the Postal Service.

"The Leaving Song" is like the lime in the Indian bowl. The lime is the acidic spark that ignites the dish, the yin to the coconut milk's yang (or the sour to the sweet).


John Joseph Brill's I'm Not Alright EP wraps multiple takes on ballads around painful, introspective lyrics of violent heartbreak. Most of us have been there before and can immediately relate to what Brill is dishing out. Immerse yourself. It will hurt and painfully remind but it will also perform a function that vices cannot. I'm Not Alright will help put you on the track to being alright.

Do it with an Indian Bowl of replacement beans and you'll get there twice as fast.*

*Not scientifically proven, testing is in the early stages.

Artist's Cookbook: What's Cooking With Swine Tax?

Vince Lisle likes to cook Italian food. Well, maybe likes isn't strong enough of a word. Vince Lisle is passionate about cooking Italian food. He is so passionate about it that every day for two years he would cook (and eat) a different dish of risotto or pasta. He collected his favorite recipes, notes and stories about Italian cooking and published them on his blog Cibo Di Chenzo.

Aside from cooking, eating and blogging, Vince is also the lead vocalist and guitarist for Newcastle upon Tyne alternative rock trio, Swine Tax. These guys make music that is well structured and warmly laid down. Lyrically they deal with personal themes like social alienation, uncertainty in love and chronic pain (something that Vince suffers from).

Swine Tax's second single, "Brittle," is hot off the presses. The song instantly struck me as something I would be listening to on the regular. First there's Vince and his vocals. He presents the lyrics in a variety of fashions throughout the track. There's the high pitched siren, not a grating siren that is blaring right next to you, but a more restrained one shooting off in the distance. There's the hypnotic choir like sounds. And the pogoing chorus. All of these surround the frenetic verses that border on losing control but never quite do. Then there is the lyrics themselves. How the hell can you not find yourself relating (and singing along) with introspective lines like, "Please don't love me, I'm not worth it, please don't love me I don't deserve it"? Backing (and sometimes fronting) the vocals are spirited guitars which roam around distorted and garagey in places and clean shaven singer-songwriterish in others. Sometimes they shake fast, sometimes they move slow, other times they just make you wonder if the dreaminess you are experiencing is a sign that you are asleep. The song's drums play out in a similar manner. They slow down, they speed up, they hypnotize. Swine Tax's "Brittle" is indie rock at it's finest. All those changes in timing, vocal deliveries and style lead to a truly unique and scrumptious listening experience.

After blasting through "Brittle" about a dozen times, I asked Vince which of his recipes he would suggest pairing with it. He said the Pasta with Sardines, Almonds, Olives and Blood Oranges. Hmm... I thought that comparison made total sense to me. I mean you have a pasta made up of a number of distinct elements, including crunchy almonds and salty olives. Just like the music in "Brittle." Then you throw in something as stand out, complicated and subtly brilliant as a blood orange and you've got a meal that is off the charts. Or, as Vince says, "seriously scrumptious." That's the vocals and lyrics in "Brittle."

Scrumptious meal, scrumptious music.

Artist's Cookbook: What's Cooking With Aggressive Swans?

There is this story that was thrown around a lot during my childhood. It was the story of my Great-Great Uncle Istanbul. Istanbul used to leave church every Sunday and head straight to the lake to do some canoeing. One Sunday he took a lady friend along. The two of them rowed too close to a swan. The swan attacked, capsizing the canoe and breaking Istanbul's hand. Thanks to some quick work by his lady friend, Istanbul survived, though he never returned to the water. He sold his canoe and took up bicycling. Through this story I learned two things: when you entertain a lady in a canoe make sure she is a strong swimmer and stay away from aggressive swans.

I heeded this advice of staying away from aggressive swans until June 15th, of this year. That was when I received a Facebook message from a two-piece alternative pop band based out of Munich who called themselves Aggressive Swans. Oh wait, you thought I meant that I actually went near the wild animal swan? Ha ha, yeah, fuck that shit. Not happening.

Janko Raseta and Christopher Chlupacek, the two people who make up Aggressive Swans, are both classically trained musicians. As a band, they write music without compromises. They fuse elements of modern pop and electronica, with the spirit (and instrumentation) of the 80’s and psychedelic constructs and melodies of the 70's. Aggressive Swans further define their sound with clear riffs, vocals that are both demonstrative and memorable and lapping waves of synths. You can try the band's debut single, “Every Teardrop,” on for size at the bottom of this post.

Before we go there (although you are welcome to scroll and jump at your own pace) let's hit up the kitchen. Both Janko and Christopher are crazy about cooking. So I asked the band to share a recipe, one that possesses some of the same creative components as "Every Teardrop"? Aggressive Swans responded with one of their favorites: Aggressive Swans' Walnut, Cranberry and Blue Cheese Pasta.

Now on to the single:



Find Aggressive Swans on:

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Where We Eat: Love Food Central

I was ready to drive all the way to Orlando to celebrate Father's Day when I came across Creative Loafing's 2017 food issue. The issue featured a rundown of the newspaper's 50 favorite sandwiches in the Tampa region. One portion of the rundown was reserved solely for the best vegan/vegetarian sandwiches in the area (dubbed the Classics Go Veg).

Looking thru the list, I realized that I had only eaten two of the five sandwiches highlighted. So I made it a point to knock one of the other three off the list. A friend had hyped Love Food Central in St. Petersburg numerous times the past few months so I selected that as the place.

I knew what I was getting before I even walked through the door. The jackfruit bbq and a nut milk shake called to me and promised that they would do me well. J-Fur came to the conclusion that the g-mash toast (smashed garbanzos, avocado and toast) was where it was at. Z-Bot, who doesn't normally like anything we order for her at solely vegan restaurants, was slightly more of a challenge. I went over the menu three times to no avail. Just as I was about to give up and order her a piece of pie for lunch one of the employees came by to announce the father's day specials. The specials included chocolate chip pancakes. Bing, bing, bing. There it was. Z-Bot loves pancakes like squirrels love to fall in our backyard pool. That is to say, a lot.

The Pulled BBQ Sandwich was everything Creative Loafing and my friend hyped it to be. Love Food Central's "bbq" is created by smothering savory jackfruit in their homemade bbq sauce. The jackfruit is then topped with arugula, avocado and Veganaise and served on toasted sourdough. The subtle flavor of the bbq sauce, slightly peppery arugula and buttery avocado pair nicely with the creamy Veganaise. On typical bread, a sandwich like this would turn into a sloppy mess. But the toasted sourdough that Love Food Central serves (from Sami's Bakery) has some sort of magical ingredient that allows it to hold up to those creamy and saucy ingredients well. It completes the sandwich magnificently.

Pulled BBQ Sandwich

The nut milk shake didn't really do it for me. The shake consists of nut milk and Love Food Central's homemade vegan ice cream. There are a whole slew of toppings that can be added to the shake to pep it up a bit. The shake's taste was fine. It wasn't too sweet or overly strong. That I liked. It was the shake's consistency that left me wanting more. Instead of a uniform creaminess throughout, the shake was very thin in places and slightly thicker in others. That's not how I remember milk shakes being. With all the other vegan desserts on the menu, I regret that I wasted my time, money and calories on the shake.

The Nut Milk Shake

Love Food Central's Father's Day deal was a free soft serve ice cream for all fathers. Even though I had already consumed the milk shake, I wasn't going to turn down a chance to try their free ice cream. The bowl of soft serve was absolutely incredible. As wrong as the consistency seemed with the milk shake, the soft serve consistency was that right. It was absolutely spot on. The flavor was mirrored the shake in that it was not overly sugary like I've come to expect from some vegan ice creams. The flavors of Love Food Central's soft serve changes (not sure how they rotate it daily/weekly/etc.). Unfortunately I didn't catch what flavor they were serving on Father's Day.

Vegan Soft Serve 

While I sort of snickered as J-Fur ordered the G-Smash (what a simple dish!), I wound up being super impressed with this open faced sandwich. The garbanzo mixture had a nice garlicky taste to it. The creaminess of the garbanzos and avocado, offered an incredible contrast to the the toasted sourdough bread. J-Fur (and I) liked this item so much that we have recreated it at home three times since that day. Yes, that includes going to Sami's Bakery and getting our hands on their gluten free sourdough.

The G-Mash Toast

Z-Bot ate as much of the pancakes as her little stomach could. What she left, I finished. By the time I got to them the chocolate chips had melted throughout the pancakes so each bite was a rush of vegan chocolate. Texture wise they reminded me of your typical, non vegan pancakes. That's a good thing, especially when you are trying to get a four-year-old to not think that vegan restaurant food is weird.

Overall I was as impressed with Love Food Central. The only unfortunate thing, aside from the nut milk shake, is that it is such a long drive from Wesley Chapel that we won't be able to visit regularly. Maybe my letter writing campaign to get them to open a location up here near all the other places that are opening up will work. Only time will tell. If not, we always have birthdays and fatherly celebration days.

Food like Love Food Central's is the type of thing you fantasy and dream about. That's why Violet Days single "I'm a Dreamer" was played on repeat during our ride across the bay.

Cook: Couscous, Cauliflower and Toasted Almonds

Back when I was just a wee little laddy, I was invited to play soccer in Amsterdam as part of some sort of world wide tournament. Since it was a once in a lifetime opportunity, my dad scraped some money together so my mother, grandmother and I could go and see the world through the lens of a pair of soccer cleats. During that trip I experienced many things: I met my first prostitute (by met I mean I saw one through a glass window as one of my teammates went in and ordered a number two), witnessed a gay marriage, saw some weed dispensed in a cafe like it was a latte and had my first pat down by a military man holding a huge gun. But the one thing about the trip that stands out to me the most is my back alley pasta dealings with a shady, shady character.

I met the man after one of my soccer games. He did the whole suspicious get my attention thing and I, thinking I was hot shit, assumed he was some college recruiter who wanted me to go to his school. I jogged over to him and he said "Kid, come with me into this alley." I followed him and as soon as we rounded the corner he asked "Do you want to buy some pasta?" He opened his jacket and I saw something that didn't resemble pasta in the least. It was a bag full of tiny little balls. I now know that pasta to be couscous but at the time I was none the wiser. "No, I'm cool. We eat differently in 'Murica." I sprinted back to join my team.

You are probably wondering why this pasta exchange is such a big deal? One, I thought this guy was so full of shit offering me little balls and calling them pasta. For years I said to anyone that would listen that the Dutch have no clue what pasta is. Two, years later I realized that the man who tried to sell me that bag was none other than Mr. Couscous himself. Seems that his shady couscous selling was just the beginning. It eventually led to a life full of possession of false documents, money laundering, assault and attempted murder.

Moral of the story: mothers, don't let your kids grow up to be couscous salesmen. That's bad, bad news.

Couscous, Cauliflower and Toasted Almonds
(printable version)

-1 cup uncooked couscous
-1 head of cauliflower, finely chopped
-1 shallot, minced
-1/2 cup of almonds (whole or sliced or slivered)
-2 tsp. smoked paprika
-salt and pepper (to taste)
-1 1/2 cups + veggie broth

1. Dump a tiny bit of veggie broth into a large bottomed pot (you can use oil if you aren't on a strict diet like my wife is). Pour in the almonds. Toast until the almonds become fragrant. Set aside.

2. Pour in a little more veggie broth. Add the shallot and saute for two minutes. Add the cauliflower. Sprinkle the salt, pepper and two teaspoons of smoked paprika overtop. Stir and cook for ten minutes.

3. Stir in the couscous. Continue stirring for another minute or two after you have added all the couscous.

4. Pour in the 1 1/2 cups of veggie stock. Swish it around until all the couscous have found their way into the stock. Put a lid on the pot and bring the stock to a boil. Turn the heat down to low and simmer that baby. Cook the couscous, without messing with it, for five minutes.

5. If your almonds aren't sliced or slivered, go ahead and cut them up now. Once the couscous is done cooking add the almonds to the couscous and stir that pot. Spoon the mixture into bowls, sprinkle some fresh parsley overtop, put the bowl onto your tv tray and turn on a gangster movie while phoning your mom and telling her you are thinking of getting into the couscous selling business.

Cook: Vegan Vichyssoise

Other than some blueberry lavender jam and watermelon kombucha, I've mainly spent the last seven weeks subsisting on foods that others have prepared for me. That is the beauty of a new baby and a mother-in-law that loves to cook. But alas, yesterday, it came time for said mother-in-law to return to her homeland. This meant my long anticipated return to the kitchen.

So what was I going to dazzle with first? I had big plans that I festered over for the last seven weeks. These plans involved exotic vinegars, acidic citrus and major fatty foods. Unfortunately, these plans were foiled by J-Fur's body. She is still dealing with some health issues that arose during Special K's delivery process. As a result, she has been ordered by her doctors to eat a diet that includes very little fat, no spice and no acid.

Hamstrung hardcore, I decided to reannounce my presence with a simple vegan vichyssoise. This dish included just five ingredients: leeks, potatoes, vegetable broth, salt and an avocado. I'm not sure that you can get anymore basic than that. I spruced things up a bit by throwing in some hunks of baguette (store bought of course). When J-Fur wasn't looking, I further spruced my bowl up with pepper and olive oil (shh...don't tell her).

It wasn't the fanciest of nights but it satisfied all the internal organs that were involved. At this point, that's all I hoped to accomplish.

Cook: Barbacoa Cauliflower

Things got a bit cheeky in the world of barbacoa this week. 

Courtney Aguilar was visiting El Rincon, a Mexican restaurant in Pflugerville,Texas, when she decided to get an order of their barbacoa. During her consumption of the barbecued meat that typically comes from the cheek or jaw of a cow she came across what she thought was teeth. She called her waitress over and the waitress, jokingly I hope, suggested that they weren't just any old teeth. What Ms. Aguilar found in her meat was a collection of "baby teeth."

After what I imagine could only have been an absolutely disgusting back and forth between the vendor who delivers El Rincon's barbacoa, the restaurant, and Ms. Aguilar, it was discovered that those weren't teeth that had made their way into the barbacoa but beef lips. Rest assured, everyone, beef lips are a "USDA-inspected product for human consumption.

Um, no thanks. I'll just save myself the hassle of finding baby teeth/beef lips/cow cheeks in my meal by making it all about cauliflower. To make it: baste a head and a half of browned cauliflower in a mixture of apple cider vinegar, garlic, cumin, oregano, salt, cloves, veggie broth, lime juice and chipotles in adobo sauce. Simmer it on low in a crockpot for about six hours. Serve it on flatbread topped with lettuce, sliced avocado and salsa. If you want to give your vegan dish the El Rincon treatment, this site has a fabulous suggestion.

Cook: Zucchini Crab Cakes

At least once a week the following conversation takes place:

Person: Ah, you are a vegan. Cool, cool, cool. What do you eat?
Me: Vegetables, beans, nuts, cereal, pasta, sandwiches, pickles, mustard, you know, normal stuff. Oh, and BBQ sauce. I really like BBQ sauce.
Person: What about (insert random food here)?
Me: Yep, I eat that.
Person: How about fish?
Me: Are fish considered swimming vegetables?
Person: Huh?
Me: Nevermind. Great catching up with you. See you around.

People of this beautiful world. Despite what you may have heard from others (like that weird "vegetarian" art teacher that eats turkey on Thanksgiving), let me set the record straight. If it breathes, even if it is through gills, a vegetarian or vegan won't eat it. Now I'm not writing this post because I care what others label themselves, call yourself whatever you want. You want to be vegetarian that eats steak? By all means, have at it. You want to eat Veal Parmigiana and pretend you are one hundred percent plant based? Just do it! The reason I'm writing this post is to save me the headache, or rather the tedium, of having this same conversation week in and week out. Skipping the fish talk would allow our conversations to progress into some really interesting realms. I'm talking tempeh, seitan, maybe even mycoprotein. That would be the fish's gullet.

Tonight I decided it was high time I stopped fighting it and just started eating "fish" (that's also the name of the documentary I am currently penning). The only thing is my version of "fish" is actually created by swimming vegetables. It combines grated zucchini, aquafaba, breadcrumbs, vegan butter and Old Bay Seasoning. Behold, I give you Zucchini Crab Cakes. Just like Baltimore would've made them had they been a vegan who was bored to death talking about whether they do or do not eat fish.

Zucchini Crab Cakes
(printable version)

-3 zucchini, grated
-3 Tbs. aquafaba
-2 Tbs. vegan butter, melted
-1 cup Italian style breadcrumbs
-1/4 cup minced onion
-1 tsp. Old Bay Seasoning
-1/4 cup of flour

1. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit. Grease a baking sheet with a tiny bit vegetable oil. Set aside.

2. Grate the zucchini in a large bowl. Using a towel, press some of the moisture out of the zucchini. Add the aquafaba, melted butter, breadcrumbs, onions and Old Bay Seasoning. Mix until everything is uniform.

3. Pour the flour into a second bowl. Form the zucchini mixture into small patties. Roll them in the flour. Place them on the greased baking sheet.

4. Bake for 15 minutes. Remove from the baking sheet from the oven and flip each crab cake using a spatula. Bake for another 15 minutes. Top the crab cakes with some vegan mayo mixed with hot sauce. Eat those swimming vegetables!

Listen to this dish!

Food Pairing 101: What Goes Well With Transviolet's New Single?

'They've got us in a cage, ruined of grace and senses, and the heart roars like a lion at what they've done to us...'
-Charles Bukowski

This quote by Charles Bukowski isn't the beginning of Transviolet. It comes some time later. In baby terms (because as a father to be I certainly have babies on the mind), this line by Bukowski marks the point where the baby has left the womb and mom (or dad or mom and dad or grandma and grandpa) puts the pen on the paper preparing to imprint this child with an identity.

The members of Transviolet were sitting around the living room with books on mythology and poetry determined to pick a band name. Judah came across the poem 'When The Violets Roar At The Sun' by Bukowski. The line above spoke to vocalist Sarah McTaggert about how the band felt about the world. People's apathy has led to this haphazard way of existing - devoid of reason or purpose. They just sort of fumble around the streets with heads in phones, passively falling into the future without any real stake in it. The band wanted to take back their active role in designing the future. McTaggert suggests "We believe that our generation can learn to live mindfully, and peacefully and evolve, thus 'trans' as in short for 'transcendence'." To sum it up, Transviolet is transcendence into a new, violet awareness. We loved that idea, so it stuck."

So that's the past of Transviolet. The far past. In the much nearer past the band's stellar 2016 has seen them tour the US with Lany and play the Reading & Leeds Festival in support of their self-titled EP which features more kickass tracks than I have thumbs. Last week the band began their trek into the future with their release of "Close." The song features McTaggert's sparkling lyrics about elegance, turbulence, getting close and having those special hands running thru her hair. Basically, as the band tweeted out, it is a song to f*** your friends to. Supporting those lyrics is Transviolet's signature brand of blissful pop instrumentation. That isn't to say it is the same old same old as "Close" seems to coruscate just a bit brighter (and harder) than EP hits "New Bohemia" and "Girls Your Age." And while it hits hard, it doesn't quite have the ubiquitous wall of sound found in "Night Vision."

So, what does one pair with a track like "Close"? It needs to be something that meshes together a number of different flavors in the simplest way possible. More than that, it needs to be something that features the hands-in-the-hair closeness of "Close." That's why I suggest gussying this track up with the Kitchn's Hasselback Sweet Potatoes (pictured above). The key to this dish is the slicing of the sweet potatoes and the brushing of the oil and spices down into the crevices created by the cuts. This allows the flavors to permeate the sweet potatoes in all areas. While following the Kitchn's recipe closely, I did have to make one change. No thyme was found in my pantry so I replaced it with an equal amount of herbes de provence. And, as a good little vegan, I went with oil instead of the brown butter.

Cook: Red Wine BBQ Tempeh and Shrooms

My good friend Chef Chloe (I use the word "good" here loosely) posted a recipe for Red Wine Seitan BBQ in one of those Men's Fitness magazines. I think it is the one where men dress up in tight bathing suits and lean up against various sports cars in provocative poses. I came across the recipe not because I have a closet subscription to the magazine, but because my phone stalks all my searches and then inundates me with articles featuring all my favorite key words (like fantasy baseball, vegan and Donald Trump).

Normally I let Chef Chloe do her thing and just roll with it. But I was withdrawing hard from a night of pizza and seitan eating and I couldn't bear the thought of more gluten than necessary entering into my digestive system. So I decided to replace the seitan with a mixture of tempeh and portobello mushrooms. Go with seitan, do the tempeh mushroom mixture or add your own spin on things. Doesn't matter. The key here is Chef Chloe's BBQ sauce. It is absolutely stunning.






Red Wine BBQ Tempeh and Shrooms (adapted slightly from Chef Chloe)
(printable version)

For the Tempeh and Shrooms:
-tempeh block, cut into minute cubes
-1/2 cup of portobello mushrooms
-1 cup ketchup
-¼ cup dry red wine
-1 tbsp balsamic vinegar
-1 tbsp brown sugar
-1 tsp Dijon mustard
-1 tsp onion powder
-½ tsp black pepper
-olive oil
-1 large shallot, thinly sliced
-3 scallions, thinly sliced

For the caramelized onions:
-1 large onion, thinly sliced
-2 tsp pure maple syrup
-sea salt

For the sandwiches:
-4 ciabatta rolls
-1 cup arugula
-1 small tomato, thinly sliced

1. Make the caramelized onions: In a large skillet, heat olive oil over medium heat and add onion. Season onions to your liking with sea salt. Place them in a skillet and stir frequently until they are very soft (about 20 minutes). Add maple syrup and let cook one additional minute. Set aside.

2. To prepare the BBQ tempeh and shrooms: In a bowl, whisk together ketchup, red wine, vinegar, brown sugar, mustard, onion powder, and black pepper. Set aside. In a large skillet, heat olive oil over medium-high heat and cook shallots, tempeh and shrooms until lightly browned. Add the sauce and scallions to skillet. Reduce heat to low, and gently simmer until sauce has thickened (about five minutes).

3. To prepare the sandwiches: toast ciabatta rolls. Layer some arugula, tempeh mixture, tomato, and caramelized onions on each roll. Eat it while leaning on your car provocatively wearing only some sexy underwear.

Taste of Brooklyn (Part 2)

Only three days in Brooklyn, eh. That's simply not enough time. So, I went back. This time I spent three and a half days there! But with no wedding to attend, I was able to get in even more of good vegan eating. Here is a snippet of what I was eating and drink when I wasn't eating bagels.

Chickpea & Olive |  Smorgasburg, East River Park

I crawled out of bed our first day in Brooklyn feeling just a wee bit hungover. Thanks to some shenanigans caused by the federal government in conjunction with a rogue hurricane, my evening flight had morphed into a redeye with a 3 a.m. arrival. My only eats for the past twelve hours had been the free goodies that the airport crew passed out in order to appease their angry clientele. I needed some real food and I needed it now. Thankfully it was Saturday and that meant that Smorgasburg was raging over in East River Park. Chickpea & Olive here I come. Smorgasburg can best be described as a culinary free-for-all crammed into a space about the size of church parking lot. On the Saturday we visited, Smorgasburg was extremely crowded. Had it been just J-Fur and I, I probably wouldn't have been aware of all the people around me, but Z-Bot was along divaing it up in her giant jogging stroller. I steered that monstrosity (magnificently I must say) through throngs of bearded hipsters that always seemed to be going the opposite direction of me. You know exactly what I'm talking about.

Eventually we found our way to Chickpea & Olive. This vegan eatery is famous, at least on Yelp, for its beet burgers. I halfheartedly looked at the menu but really I had known what I was going to order since the day I left Brooklyn two months earlier. It was the beet burger melt with avocado or bust for me. The burger was served on thick toasted bread and sliced in half. I walked with it for a bit looking for some open space to relax and enjoy it. Talk about food porn. People walking by kept eyeing my burger and commenting on how amazing it looks. I'm pretty sure I heard a few catcalls as well.

When I finally found that coveted open space, I dropped everything and took a bite. I don't say this lightly: that was the most flavorful veggie burger I've ever had. The beet burger, vegan cheese and avocado all melded together into a blissful bevy of flavors and textures that held together bite after bite. The thick, toasted bread offered a salty, crispy backdrop of support for the burger to rest its magical head. Some people might balk at the price (13 dollars with avocado added). To those people I'd say, stop treating this burger like your typical veggie burger and start treating it like the hand crafted piece of art it is. You'll quickly realize 13 dollars is a steal.

Georgetown Cupcakes | 111 Mercer Street New York, New York

When my cousin suggested we pay a visit to Georgetown Cupcakes I have to admit, I was quite hesitant. My other vegan cupcake experience in New York, at famed Babycakes, had not gone over so well and I didn't want to waste precious calories on lackluster vegan desserts. When she told me that the place had been featured on some famous food television show and that they have a cupcake camera where you can sit at your computer and watch people make cupcakes all day, my desire to visit dropped even more. Can you say gimmick? But J-Fur and Z-Bot were interested and my cousin espoused their cupcake virtues to no end so I decided to part with some of my precious calories and give their vegan cupcake a go.

The one vegan option that was being sold on the day we visited was apple cinnamon. I could handle that. I'm all about fruit desserts. The cupcake was not overly sweet and moist. Just that in itself made it a better experience than Babycakes. But the pleasure was only beginning. The apple cinnamon cake was topped with an incredible icing that was really creamy. Best of all, this creaminess was not created by fake butter (or at least it had no fake butter taste). A fantastic vegan cake! I hate to admit it but ever since I ate that cupcake, I've been unable to go more than 12 hours without checking in on the cupcake cam. Sometimes I even find myself loosening...nevermind.

The Pulp & The Bean | 809 Franklin Avenue Brooklyn

I had four goals during this visit to Brooklyn. The first one was eat a beet burger from Chickpea & Olive. The second was to get a donut sundae at Dun-well Donuts. Once those two were out of the way, I set my sights on finding some Brooklyn Kombucha on tap. If there is one thing Tampa has going for it right now it is kombucha. I wanted to compare the two cities, see if they were as far apart as I imagined. I conducted an online search for kombucha on tap and the closest one to where we were staying was The Pulp & The Bean, a coffee shop in Crown Heights. Unfortunately the kombucha was all out. I wasn't really in the mood for a latte but Yelpers had kept talking about the soy rose latte, so I got one iced. I wasn't blown away by it. For one, it wasn't sweet enough for me. When I drink coffee, I like it to be sweet. The cool thing was that the latte wasn't overly expensive. I think I even paid less for it than some of the ones I get in Tampa. One thing worth noting about the Pulp & the Bean is their excellent customer service. I loved that even though they were four customers deep the barista ran thru my entire order to make sure she got it right.











Hungry Ghost | 253 Flatbush Avenue, Brooklyn

I achieved goal number three by walking about a mile and a half to Hungry Ghost. The only reason the walk matters is that by the time I arrived, I had to piss really bad and there isn't a space for this at Hungry Ghost. I ordered my kombucha, grape is what they had on tap, and I drank it way too fast. It went down smooth, it was unique (not a flavor I had in Tampa before). It didn't strike me as being any better or worse than Mother Kombucha here in St. Petersburg. That's a good thing (both for Brooklyn Kombucha and Mother Kombucha). After chugging, I went across the street to Starbucks and waited in a long line to use their restroom. Best I could tell is that none of the other coffee shops in the area, and there were a lot, had a bathroom either. That's the only reason I could see so many people in Starbucks when there were a lot of other options around.

00 + Co | 65 2nd Avenue, New York

My final goal this trip was to pay a visit to 00 + Co. I mean there just isn't anything creative going on with vegan pizza in Tampa. If they have any it is simply some fake cheese thrown over their normal crust and sauce. At 00 + Co, vegan is at the center of everything they do. I convinced a large group of friends to join me here so we shared three different pizzas. There was a smoked carrot pizza topped with crimini mushrooms, shaved fennel and parsley-mint pesto. I loved the cheese and balance of flavors on this pie. We also ordered the confit and tomato arugula pie. This one didn't quite have the pizzaz of the carrot pizza. It left me wanting more. The farro sausage pizza was also really good, with a nice spiciness to it. The dough at 00 + Co was incredible. It was charred and chewy. The table also got an order of zucchini noodles and farro. This was my favorite dish of the night. I thought the farro sausage performed really well when placed on top of zucchini. 00 + Co is definitely not cheap. It is the kind of place that vegans can go when they want to splurge and have a nice romantic evening. That being said, I recognize the time and effort required to make vegan cheese so I can fault them for pricing their pies a bit high.

Food Flavored Album Review: This Album Does Not Exist by DREAMERS

When I visited Brooklyn back in July, I was limited to just one big meal in the city. I had to sift through pages and pages of bookmarks, whittle down hundreds of options to just one. I decided that my one meal should be at Champs Diner in Williamsburg. They seemed to be everything that Tampa was lacking. Completely vegan, highly recommended, delicious diner food. After choosing Champs, I figured the hard work was done. It wasn't. There were dozens of items on Champs menu that sounded amazing. How could I choose just one? While I eventually did select one, a pretty good buffalo chicken sandwich, there was another item, an opportunity cost for those economic nerds out there, on the Champs special of the day board that stayed with me long after I left Brooklyn and returned to Tampa. That item was a Cauliflower Po' Boy. According to the description, this Po' Boy included breaded cauliflower, cajun slaw, pickles and vegan bacon. I've made a version of this sandwich several times over the past month. Most of these Cauliflower Po' Boy experiences have coincided with my listening to the debut LP from DREAMERS.

DREAMERS debut, titled This Album Does Not Exist, and the Cauliflower Po' Boy actually have quite a bit in common. On the surface, both have ties to Brooklyn. The Po' Boy idea, born at Champs, while DREAMERS spent about two years living in a practice space in the city. Both recipe and album are blurred culminations of varied experiences and tastes. For DREAMERS this means that the band wrote the album while suffering through self-induced houselessness and the aforementioned two years living in a Brooklyn practice space. Also inspiring parts of the album are the band's circling of the US four times in a small van and their experience seeing countless cities and meeting new people everywhere they went. Meanwhile, the Po' Boy variety comes from its spicy hot sauce, sour pickles, fragrant Cajun spice and salty bacon. But let's not just hang out on the surface. Let's dig a bit deeper into both album and recipe and see how else album inspires recipe and vice versa.

At the top of DREAMERS This Album Does Not Exist is "Drugs," an anthemic sing-a-long that touches on millennial partying habits. Stay high, get higher, don't think for yourselves, follow along like sheep, its okay because you are still young, do it all, everything, for the drugs, you can never get enough. These partying habits, when run through a Po' Boy language translator, are similar to what I experience when it comes to pickles. F*** if I can't get enough, do it all for them, put peanut butter on them and chalk it all up to the youth that sloshes around inside. The key here is good pickles. Don't buy that s*** that sits on your grocery counters unrefrigerated. Get 'em local from whoever dabbles in pickle making. Trust me, the subtle sourness and crunch these local honeys provide will be so worth it.



Now that you've got a fist full of drugs racing through your central nervous system, DREAMERS come out firing with one of the fastest tracks on the album. "Never Too Late To Dance" is another in a long line of songs about dancing that actually make me want to leave the kitchen and turn some ballroom full of fussy bottoms on its head. This track is catchy as hell thanks to the rhythmic background, pulsating drum beats, the grouped out oh oh ohs and the "can we chase the fire from a lost romance, it's never too late to dance" chorus. Playing the same catchy as hell, fiery, stay drunk on your kiss role in the Po' Boy is the cauliflower. Dredged in corn meal, spices, soy milk and hot sauce, and then baked in the oven, the cauliflower is hot, carby and difficult to resist. Sometimes I plan to make three or four sandwiches but only wind up with two because of my sneaking cauliflower pieces between sandwich construction. My favorite part of the sandwich, my favorite song on the album.



"Last Night on Earth" is one of those songs about watching the world blow up around you. There is a sense of urgency to the track as it questions whether this is heaven or a curse. The only thing apparent is that "s***'s going crazy." Despite the possibility that this could be the last night on earth, the song's participants seem to remain pretty level headed. I mean just the fact that they can take a few moments to contemplate whether this really is the end and seem to be pretty clear about what they want to happen if this is their last night on earth speaks volumes about their "coolness." Had this Po' Boy had some cucumbers in it, I totally would've paired that up with "Last Night on Earth." But because it doesn't, I went with the bacon portion of the sandwich. Why you ask? I feel like the bacon embraces its own flavor. S**t's going all crazy around it with cajun slaw, spicy cauliflower and sour pickles and the bacon does the whole remain calm and bacon on thing. For this Po' Boy, I used the Bacun recipe found here.



Without sounding too much like a television show, I previously featured Sweet Disaster in this post. In the post I said "tonight, you're on top of the world, the king (or queen) of some late night, neon loaded, kingdom of debauchery. Across from you is the person of your moment, the one who puts nothing but bad things into your mind when they are around. Each new destination, on this fine evening, means a different jukebox to control. You've spent time with the Ramones, the Rolling Stones and a sea of others whom you can no longer recollect. As the two of you step outside and watch the final bar close its door and shut off the lights, you lean in for your goodbyes. Despite the fact that you are both swimming "in a river of champagne," a quick glance shows that you are both on the same page when it comes to this night. While "some nights feel like every night, this one feels brand new." And that's me quoting me. "Sweet Disaster" translates nicely to the cajun slaw component of the Po' Boy. The slaw could've easily felt like every other slaw, but it's combination of vegan mayo, cabbage and cajun seasonings comes across as something brand new. Of note, after numerous failed attempts at homemade aquafaba mayo, I bit the bullet and used Hampton Creek's Just Mayo for my vegan mayo. It was my first time using the product and I loved its balance of acidic richness and smooth, almost sauce like texture.



Which brings us to the bread. The bread needs to be a good one as it is what pulls everything together in the sandwich. It is both the first and last thing that you taste. I can't help but think that all the other ingredients probably wish they could play the same essential role that the bread does in the Po' Boy. I've tried to massage all their egos and tell them how important they all are but there is definitely some jealousy that lingers between pickles, cauliflower, slaw and bread. While "Lucky Dog" isn't the first song or the last one and it doesn't come across as the most memorable (despite its kickass handclaps and driving sing-along chorus), it does deal with a similar issue. "Lucky Dog" is a song about having the hottest girl in the crew and trying to stay grounded. It isn't easy to garner all that attention and keep your head about you. The line "All my friends ingredients, wish they were me instead" seems to sum up both album and recipe.



Most of the other songs didn't really do much for me. "Wolves (You Got Me)" and "To the Fire" both got better with age and perhaps, in a month or two, they could play some role in defining the Cauliflower Po' Boy. But in the here and now, they just fall a bit short of the tracks I highlighted.

Overall, I had a blast this summer eating Po' Boys and listening to This Record Doesn't Exist by DREAMERS. Neither album nor recipe is life defining. They won't wind up on any all time lists. But both are joined together when it comes to crafting a definition for the summer of 2016.

Food Pairing 101: What goes well with Beer, Brussels and (Vegan) Bacon?

I woke up this morning with a pounding headache. I replayed last night in my head to see if I could place the source of my pain. Had I eaten Brazil nuts? Snorted lines of fermented cheeses? Did I do shots of vinegar again? Unfortunately I couldn't remember a thing. I stumbled out to my refrigerator and opened it. There, tucked inside the door, was a bottle of Sharkinator White IPA half gone. I pulled out my Untappd App and, there it was, plain as day. I had checked off that I drank a half bottle of Sharkinator (actually I had used it to baste some cauliflower for a burrito but who is keeping score aside from me?). I sought out some hangover cures online, found one that seemed to work with a vegan diet, and by eleven was ready to tackle the day.

The further my hangover drifted into history, the more I felt guilty about wasting half a bottle of beer. I scoured the refrigerator and found some brussels sprouts and vegan bacon. I decided to baste the brussels in a little beer and veggie broth and then toss them into garlic covered vegan bacon. I sprinkled a little Gomassio on to close things out.

So what did I pair with this brussels and beer experience? How about a track that pleads "please take me out dancing this Saturday night, please get me a little drunk, I won't ask why." It's like SLØTFACE's "Take Me Dancing" was written just for me. In reality the track, according to vocalist Haley Shea, is about being free to be yourself regardless of gender. She went on to explain that some people were skeptical about a group of feminists releasing a song about drinking and dancing. SLØTFACE likes partying and drinking and they want people to know that it is okay to make mistakes (you know, maybe drink half a beer too much or pour a little extra in your cauliflower sort of thing). That's why "Take Me Dancing" was written, recorded and released.

Cook: Sweet Corn and Green Chili Flautas

So I'm watching this election sh*t from a safe distance, like some rubbernecker two lanes over from all the chaos. I don't think I've ever seen such a train wreck. Neither candidate seems to be able to garner any likes on their pictures, both appear to be in the business of gathering you hate me the least votes.

During my rubbernecking last week I came across video from a Donald Trump rally in Arizona, a state well known for making some good tortilla recipes (well, at least that is what my wife says, I've never actually been there). At this rally, a white supremacist bro Trump supporter goes absolutely apesh*t on a Hispanic protester. He screamed things like: “Get the f*ck out of here — our country, motherf*cker, our country" and “Proud f*cking American! Made in USA bitch, made in f*cking USA!” Then, showing that the Arizona state flag that is tattooed on his back is more than just show, he drops a tortilla body slam on the man: “Go f*cking make my tortilla, motherf*cker,” (fresh with some sort of salute).

I gotta say, Trump's whole make America great again thing seems like some sort of Pandora's box. People have these racist, sexist feelings boiling inside but the latest version of America does not approve. So, they've hidden it (except for on anonymous message boards and amongst their like-minded companions). But Trump's run for presidency has made these people feel that it is okay to put that stuff out there again. I'm not sure it ever gets boxed again, no matter what the outcome of this election is.

Anyway, Wednesday night when J-Fur got home from work she was real hangry and she ordered me to "Go f*cking make my tortilla, mother*cker." So I cooked up these Sweet Corn and Green Chili Flautas from Thug Kitchen. I slightly altered things because I didn't have any canned chilis and I had a bunch of refried black beans. So I mashed the black beans and pinto beans together and left the chilis out.

It only took two bites and I was beating my chest screaming "This dish! This is what makes America great. Not whatever that Trump bro is dishing out!" J-Fur ageed.

Soundtrack this dish like this.

Click (Food): Meat Extremists, Brooklyn Does Vegan Pizza, Link Eats Berries and Tigernut Flour

Happenings:

• The patrons at a Georgian (the country, not the state) vegan cafe were pelted with fish, sausage and other meat hunks by a group of meat "extremists." The disturbance carried over into the streets where one of the neighbors came out wielding a knife. He charged the cafe with breaking his peace of "watching TV and eating sunflower seeds."

• So I guess Starbucks' has this secret "pink drink" that is totally breaking Instagram and ruling the world right now. Unlike their fall drink that rules the world with a dairy filled fist, this pink drink can actually be made vegan. Just sub in some coconut milk. The drink is so top secret that I found out about it on Cosmopolitan's website. Yes, the Cosmopolitan that has a circulation of some 3 million subscribers (circa 2011). People use the word secret so loosely nowadays. 

• Screamer's Pizzaria, Brooklyn's first completely vegan pizzeria, is open for business. As all the commenters point out, if you are looking for authentic New York style pizza, don't go here. Daiya is neither authentic nor made in New York.

• There is a vegan lifestyle show coming to a television near you. Of course, if you happen to watch it, you probably aren't a true vegan. Vegan televisions anyone?

• There is a new Zelda game hitting the market soon, Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. The game offers hardcore vegans a chance to make lead character Link follow in their footsteps. That's right, you can choose a vegan version of Link. Instead of hunting furry little creatures to restore his health, Link will forage for mushrooms, plants and nuts. A more health conscience Link, I like it. Of course, you can't appease everyone.

• Beyond Meat has created a vegan burger that bleeds when you cook it. This is a total game changer. I mean pretty soon waiters and waitresses at vegan restaurants aren't going to have it so easy. They'll actually have to ask me how I want my burger cooked.

• Rob Zombie recently lent his voice to an episode of Mr. Pickles on Adult Swim. He was, as he put it, the "douchebag leader of a vegan cult." Don't worry about authenticity. I gave him some pretty swell pointers about what it is like being a "douchebag leader of a vegan cult." *What do you want, I'm trying to writing? You interrupted me for that? Go out and find some carrots and make a house salad sacrifice to me. And this time don't forget the vegan mustard dressing.

• An LA vegan restaurant has started serving marijuana-infused cocktails. I'd imagine that post drink food sales have probably shot through the roof. 

Recipes:

Carrot Cake Doughnut by Purely Twins

What in the bloody f*** is Tigernut flour? Oh, there's a link? Sorry, I was too lazy to click on it. Probably that marijuana-infused cocktail I had earlier.

Kale Ice Cream by Vogue

In the description for this ice cream the author states: "Here, she shares her exclusive recipe for Kale Cookies ’n’ Cream Ice Cream—sure to win over any crowd, young or old." I'm going to have to go ahead and disagree. I asked my entire family, via Facebook, if they would be in to such a thing. They all immediately unfriended me.

Lilac Dream Cheesecake from Unconventional Baker

When it comes to eating flowers as a dessert, I feel that lavender is king. The role of queen, prince and court jester are still up for grabs. Where will you fall Lilac Dream Cheesecake?

Fettuccine with Tomato Cream Sauce and Asparagus from Vegan Richa

Enough with the sweets, let's get to some savory joints. Before becoming vegan I made a mad asparagus, artichoke and white bean pasta with pesto on it. I used to miss it hardcore. Recently, I felt I had done a nice job of putting that dish behind me. But then Vegan Richa comes along and, not only tears of the band-aid, but adds an additional gash right below my jugular. It's going to be a rough night.