Click (Food): Shark Bait, Adam Lambert Foils Vegans, Google Embraces Vegan Shrimp and Buffalo Quinoa Balls

Happenings:

• Pip's Original Doughnuts put out a help wanted ad for a new barista this week. The ad included that statement that “No non-medical, non-religious dietary restrictions that would stop you from tasting, accurately representing our food and maintaining quality control to maintain the highest standards of food safety and excellence. We serve products with meat (including bacon) nuts, dairy and our doughnuts contain wheat gluten.” It then continued with Portland doesn't need another "moody hipster providing lame service." So as long as your doctor or religion prescribes you a vegan diet, you are good to apply? If you are doing it for any other reason, look elsewhere? Here's my doctor's note.

• Former NFL player Warren Sapp got bit by a shark while fishing for lobster. PETA rewarded him with a letter explaining the terror humans inflict on other species and a meal of vegan lobster. I'm wondering if he didn't get bit because he told the shark to "stop talking and oral me?" and the shark misunderstood what he meant.

• The new mayor of Turin, Italy has decided to make a vegan/vegetarian lifestyle a priority for her city. Calls of "meat terrorism" commencing in three, two, one...

• If you are looking to travel and need a place to stay that supports your vegan/vegatarian lifestyle? Check out vegvisits.

• Adam Lambert used to be most famous for...something, something singing? Now he can add sneaking meat into vegan customer's foods and bragging about it on Instagram to his resume. *What's that? Hold on. Leaves to receive a call from his agent. Damn, I've just been informed by my agent that these are actually two different people with the same name. Let me go on record as saying that both of their resumes suffer because of this.

• PETA is sending vegan lobsters. Google is switching to vegan shrimp on their campus. Weird because I thought fish were already vegan?

• Ikea's food truck, as part of their #Togetherweeat campaign will be visiting some fine festivals across this country and handing out a free vegan stack (made with their vegan meatballs, pickled ginger, avocado, wasabi and eggless mayo). Question is, do you trust that those meatballs are actually vegan?

Recipes:

Chickpea and Vegetable Picnic Hand Pies by Tinned Tomatoes

These cute little hand pies were crafted completely by ingredients from Iceland. Don't you worry, there isn't anything super exotic that you won't be able to find in your local grocer. Well, except for the pönnukökur (kidding). 

Buffalo Quinoa Balls with Vegan Ranch Dipping Sauce by V Nutrition

Mary Ellen, of V Nutrition, and I have something in common. We both are in the habit of carrying a small hot sauce around in our purses wherever we go. You can judge me all you want about carrying a purse but I used to stick bottles of hot sauce in my pockets and they alway seemed to break and...um...get on stuff they shouldn't. I quickly learned carrying a purse beats burning genitalia any day of the week.

Vegan Mega Burger with Seitan from Sandra Vungi Vegan

Pan-fried seitan steaks, carrot cheese sauce, grilled vegetables all on a burger bun? This mega burger appears to offer a lot more variety than the other mega burger I cam across this week.

Mini Key Lime and White Chocolate Cheesecakes from PeacemealXO

These mini cheesecakes are the sole reason that I went out today, bought a bunch of key lime trees and planted them in my backyard. Big mistake. I read, post planting, that they are a pain in the ass to grow and maintain. Nothing's ever easy in the world of vegan cheesecakes.

Cook: Sweet Corn and Green Chili Flautas

So I'm watching this election sh*t from a safe distance, like some rubbernecker two lanes over from all the chaos. I don't think I've ever seen such a train wreck. Neither candidate seems to be able to garner any likes on their pictures, both appear to be in the business of gathering you hate me the least votes.

During my rubbernecking last week I came across video from a Donald Trump rally in Arizona, a state well known for making some good tortilla recipes (well, at least that is what my wife says, I've never actually been there). At this rally, a white supremacist bro Trump supporter goes absolutely apesh*t on a Hispanic protester. He screamed things like: “Get the f*ck out of here — our country, motherf*cker, our country" and “Proud f*cking American! Made in USA bitch, made in f*cking USA!” Then, showing that the Arizona state flag that is tattooed on his back is more than just show, he drops a tortilla body slam on the man: “Go f*cking make my tortilla, motherf*cker,” (fresh with some sort of salute).

I gotta say, Trump's whole make America great again thing seems like some sort of Pandora's box. People have these racist, sexist feelings boiling inside but the latest version of America does not approve. So, they've hidden it (except for on anonymous message boards and amongst their like-minded companions). But Trump's run for presidency has made these people feel that it is okay to put that stuff out there again. I'm not sure it ever gets boxed again, no matter what the outcome of this election is.

Anyway, Wednesday night when J-Fur got home from work she was real hangry and she ordered me to "Go f*cking make my tortilla, mother*cker." So I cooked up these Sweet Corn and Green Chili Flautas from Thug Kitchen. I slightly altered things because I didn't have any canned chilis and I had a bunch of refried black beans. So I mashed the black beans and pinto beans together and left the chilis out.

It only took two bites and I was beating my chest screaming "This dish! This is what makes America great. Not whatever that Trump bro is dishing out!" J-Fur ageed.

Soundtrack this dish like this.

Cook: Pinto Bean Sloppy Joes

I've pulled and shredded the jackfruit. I've umamied the TVP. I've mashed the tofu, seitan and tempeh. I've even slopped it up a few times with the lentils. Basically, I've been around the sloppy joe block more times than Thomas has been around the tr...er, a hooker has been around...er, a graham cracker crust has been around a meringue of key lime. My current obsession, I'm talking three batches since Memorial Day skipped town, is a version of sloppy joes made from pinto beans.

Beans? Yeah, I know. I didn't buy it at first either. Originally, I only went with it because I had a pantry full of pintos and I needed to get rid of them before the move. If there is one thing I've learned about moving over the years it is that the less beans that have to be moved, the better. But after two bites, I knew that these pinto sloppy joes would be a big part of my sloppy joe rotation for years to come. So how exactly did it all go down? Something like this:





Pinto Bean Sloppy Joes (adapted from Eating Well)
(printable version)

-olive oil
-2 carrots, peeled and diced
-1 onion, small dice
-4 cloves of garlic
-3 Tbs. chili powder
-2 Tbs. balsamic vinegar
-2 cups of pinto beans, cooked
-1 large red pepper, small dice
-8 ounces of tomato sauce
-1/2 cup water
-2 Tbs. soy sauce or tamari
-2 Tbs. tomato paste
-4 cups thinly sliced green cabbage
-1 medium zucchini, thinly sliced
-1 cup corn (fresh or frozen)
-3 Tbs. yellow mustar
-1 Tbs. brown sugar
-1 tsp. salt
-buns for sandwiches
-other toppings

1. Heat the olive oil in a large skillet over medium. Place the carrots and onions inside and saute, stirring occasionally, until they are beginning to brown.

2. Add in the garlic and chili powder. Cook for about half a minute. Remove the skillet from the heat and add the vinegar and bell pepper. Scrape up any browned bits. Stir a couple times and then place the pan back on the burner and saute until the pepper is soft.

3. Place the onion mixture, beans, soy sauce, tomato sauce, water, and tomato paste into a slow cooker that is set on high. Add the cabbage, zucchini, corn, honey mustard, brown sugar and salt. Cook on high for 30 minutes. Spoon the mixture onto a bun, top with your favorite slopping joe toppings. Eat it!

Merry Listmas 2015: The Food

Before the calendar turns to 2016, let’s reminisce about the finer things that food in 2015 had to offer (click on the picture for recipes and blog posts).

Favorite Sandwiches:



Main Attractions




Favorite Bread Recipes



Favorite Sides



Favorite Salads




Some Other Favorites of the Year:

Favorite I Feel Like a Drinker Drink (Minus the Morning Hangover)
Kombucha. 2015 seemed to be the year of Kombucha (as far as I'm concerned) as all the cool hangouts started selling this fermented tea drink. I drank myself a glass (or bottle) at The Blind Tiger, Kaleisia, Cider Press Cafe, Tampa Bay Veg Fest, Crave and Co. and Market on South. I even experienced a homemade batch courtesy of my friend Bob. Throughout the year I repeatedly found myself enjoying the SCOBY culture created by local brewers Mother and Humble Bumble kombucha.

Best Coffee Class, Coffee Drink and Vegan Brunch Hosting
The Blind Tiger Cafe. In case you couldn't tell, I spent a lot of time there this year.

Best Craft Coffee Bean Roaster:
Buddy Brew. Not only can you choose from a variety of different flavors but you can also talk to someone who knows what the hell they are doing. It has helped me make a much better coffee at home.

Best Holiday Themed Coffee/Drink
Cornerstone Coffee. From their gingerbread chai with coconut milk to their peppermint mocha with cashew milk, I've enjoyed everything I've put my lips around at Cornerstone Coffee. Well, except that one thing...

Best Vegan Dessert
Sweet Action Ice Cream. I had a chance to return to Denver this year. Number three on my list of places to visit was Sweet Action Ice Cream. There product was as creamy and dreamy as I remembered. The only downside, no fruit flavor when we strolled through town. I had to "settle" for a pumpkin dish. If all settling was this good, well, s*** I'd "settle" daily.

Best Vegan Brunch and Burger (outside of the Tampa Bay Area)
City O' City (Denver). Any place that serves savory waffles topped with vegan cheese and green chili is a-ok in my book. Throw in a vegan burger that makes the Big Mac look like a midget and you've got a place that is worthy of traveling long distances for.

Best Vegan Brunch (in the Tampa Bay Area):
Cafe Hey. It certainly ain't cheap, but it is definitely a delight.

Best Vegan Cupcakes in Tampa:
Vegg'd Out Vegan Kitchen. Not sure where this crew is going to set up shop next but I hope they get to it sooner rather than later. Their cupcakes are on point.

Best Cuban Bread:
La Segunda Central. Actual palm fronds on top tell me all I need to know about this bread. Throw in the fact that it doesn't cost an arm and a leg and I wander why anyone would buy from anywhere else.

Best Appetizer:
Datz's Buffalo Cauliflower. An entire head that is served with a knife sticking out of it. Get it during half price app hour and you will definitely feel like you got your money's worth.

Best Fried Yucca
Las Palmas Cafe

Best Sandwich
The Local House's Fried Green Tomato Sandwich.

Best Snack Bar:
Kind bars. You guys showed up almost everywhere and I enjoyed every moment of it. The fact that you are such a customer driven company is the chocolate drizzle on the granola bar.

Best Bread I Can't Buy In Stores
Jamison B. Breadhouse Bakes. I smell your bread baking in Ybor, I have eaten it at The Local Public House & Provisions yet I can't purchase it because you only do wholesale. So, so sad. Thank God I got that new violin for Christmas.

Best You Can Buy Vegan Food Here(?) Bar: 
Stage Left.

Best Corporate Chain Store Vegan Meatballs:
Ikea baby. Their constant pushing of the envelope resulted in vegan meatballs being added to their stores menu. Just another reason they are poised to take over the world (if they haven't already done so).

Most Inventive Vegetarian Sushi Line
Takara Sushi. I wasn't super impressed during my first visit to Takara, mainly because they didn't have a lot of vegetarian sushi to offer. The owner insisted, via Yelp, that his crew was in the process of coming up with a vegetarian sushi line. I made a return trip there this year to try it out (and then another and another). Not only did they make an entire line of vegetarian sushi but they got inventive with it. They didn't just go with the simple, mundane rolls that you can get anywhere. These flavor combinations seemed like they were crafted by people who actually care about vegetables, not just thrown together as an accompaniment to raw fish.

Best Bowl (and food truck)
Give and Grub

Vegan Restaurant of the Year
Market on South. When J-Fur and I travel anywhere, long before we leave the plane/car/boat and set foot on foreign soil, I already have a pretty good idea where I want to eat. That's what makes the fact that we accidentally (read luckily) wound up at my favorite vegan restaurant of 2015 pretty remarkable. When I arrived in Orlando for a weekend stay, I had no idea that Market on South existed. But thanks to a tip by an employee at a disappointing coffee shop, I showed up there. I didn't expect much (that's how disappointing that coffee shop was). What I got was beyond my wildest dreams. What I love about Market on South is that it is a joint venture by three independent businesses, something that you don't see too often in the business world. The restaurant has a total DIY/punk/mainstream f*** off feel to it. But attitude and independence is one thing, delivering the goods is something completely different. All three business partners (Valhalla Bakery, Humble Bumble Kombucha and Dixie Dharma) deliver. Whether you are enjoying the amazing Fried Green Tomato Sandwich, Cheezy Potatoes and Brussels Sprouts dished out by Dixie Dharma or the out of this world Lavender and Vanilla Bean Yolo baked up by Valhalla Bakery or the light and refreshing Citron Kombucha brewed by Humble Bumble, Market on South will not disappoint. That's because these vendors put taste, quality, plant-based and dairy-free first and foremost on their agenda. That's why Market on South is my vegan restaurant of the year.

Cook: BBQ Chickpea Salad with Dronevocado Ranch

Back in January of 2010 the Parrot AR. Drone, a flying machine that streams video to iPhones, won the CES Innovation Award for Gaming Hardware. My fifteen and a half second Google search doesn't tell me whether this is a big deal or not, although I might've turned something up if I hadn't gotten sidetracked looking at drone porn for seven of those seconds, but, hey, an award is an award. You want something to sound legit? Just say that it has won an award. At the time, this little drone victory didn't register with me one bit. It was so far off my radar that, well, I can't even think of a good analogy. But the Parrot AR. Drone obviously registered with some people as it sold 300,000 units within two years of winning the CES award. Drones were no longer just for the military. They were a futuristic force to be reckoned with. Recognizing their value, Amazon, Domino's and Google are just some of the companies that have announced that they would begin drone testing for future corporate use.

Speaking of drones and the future, subsequent versions of the BBQ Chickpea Salad with Avocado Ranch that is pictured above may have drones to thank for their existence. Avocado trees in the region have been under attack by laurel wilt disease since 2009. This disease is caused by a fungus that is carried by redbay ambrosia beetles. Researchers have been working with farmers to try and devise a strategy to combat laurel wilt disease. One of the latest efforts? A drone/disease sniffing dog tandem being tested out by researchers at FIU. While the project is currently still in the piloting stages, it certainly is one worth keeping an eye on especially if you are as fond of the avocado as I am.

BBQ Chickpea Salad with Dronevocado Ranch (adapted slightly from the Garden Grazer)

(printable version)

For the salad:

-2 cups chickpeas

-2/3 cup Vidalia Onion BBQ Sauce

-1 head of Romaine Lettuce, chopped

-1 cup of corn cut from the cob

-1 1/2 cups grape tomatoes

-1 cup shredded carrots

-2-3 green onions

For the Dronevocado Ranch:

-1 avocado

-1 cup soy milk

-juice of one lemon

-2 tsp. apple cider vinegar

-2 garlic cloves, pressed

-1/2 tsp. dried dill

-1/2 tsp. onion powder

1. Mix all the ingredients for the ranch in a food processor. Process until smooth. 

2. Mix all of the salad vegetables in a large metal bowl. Pour the BBQ sauce overtop. Stir to coat the veggies. 

3. Place the veggies on a plate. Spoon the ranch overtop. Attach the plate to a drone, fly it to your table and eat at once.

Drone salads sound like a bunch of this.

Food Pairing 101: What Goes Well With Maple Baked Beans & Cornbread Casserole

My problem with cornbread has always been that, despite its decent taste, it is just too dry for me to deal with. Even a cornbread that is promoted to be "the moistest cornbread ever!!!!!" still clunks my mouth up so much that a gallon of water is necessary to break the back-up. It's so bad that I've been known to, in the middle of a raving frat party, utter the phrase "the cornbread's drano" right before shotgunning a forty of water. Hey, when the frat boy's stop cheering and fist bumping me, I'll stop shouting it.

So let's imagine a world where the water has run dry. Ignore the obvious catastrophic issues for a few seconds and just think about my cornbread problem. What would I do? In the past, I would give cornbread up and make my way to the world of banana bread or baguettes. But now, thank's to Fettle Vegan's Maple Baked Beans & Cornbread Casserole, I have a solution that allows me to continue enjoying cornbread in a world without water (hey, you're still ignoring catastrophe right?). It's called bake the cornbread right into a baked bean casserole. The liquid of the beans envelopes the corn bread and offers a nice wet contrast to the cornbread's dry exterior. Think of it as like a lubri...uh, never mind. J-Fur told me to stop mixing sex and food metaphors. She says it is unappetizing. I say, what does she know. I could do that all day long.

So what pairs nicely with this world of wet and dry? I'll go with Transviolet's new single "New Bohemia." This single is the follow up to their killer "Girls Your Age" and "Bloodstream." In "New Bohemia" Transviolet delve into a mindset that suggests individuals have the power to change the world as long as they let go of the prejudices and stereotypes that keep everyone divided. Our current generation has the power to eliminate negative forces like racism, sexism and homophobia. We can also choose to put an end to war, police brutality, violence, destruction of our environment and dry cornbread (that was my addition). In order to do this, we must speak up. Everyday we wake up, we decide what the world looks like. We create our own reality through the choices we make. Everyone is wonderfully different but we all strive for the same thing. We all want to be loved. We all want to be human. We have the ability to paint that canvas any color we like.

And we can also make it as wet as we want.

Cook: Nicaraguan Gallo Pinto with Homemade "Sour Cream"

When J-Fur visited her fortune teller last weekend and was informed that a world of rice and beans was in our future, I have to admit that the news was not well received. Rice and beans are good for an occasional foray but on a weekly basis? Hmph. I can think of a number of other dishes that I would rather repeat.

Not completely buying the fortune teller's story, I called in my own expert, the spotted rooster on my neighbor's balcony. Old Florida tradition says that if you attach a tourniquet consisting entirely of Spanish moss and Sabal palmetto to the foot of a spotted rooster, your future will immediately be clear. I did just that. The only response I got from the spotted rooster was what I thought was a hollow gesture towards himself. But when I got home and started doing research, I realized that the rooster had been trying to tell me that it was in total agreement with the fortune teller. Seems that there was a Nicaraguan (and Costa Rican) dish called Gallo Pinto which is Spanish for "spotted rooster."

So I did the spotted rooster dance. It consists of rice and beans, caramelized onions and a vegan sour cream. The sour cream was supposed to be all cashews but I didn't have enough, so I did half cashews, half walnuts. I never understood why walnuts couldn't play the role of cashew in creamy white vegan dishes. It become clear when my sour cream came out brown. No worries, the dish is full of brown rice so no one even noticed. Here's how it all went down:

Nicaraguan Gallo Pinto with Homemade "Sour Cream"
(printable version)

For the Gallo Pinto:
-2 cups cooked brown rice
-1 cup small red beans
-1/2 of an onion, finely diced
-olive oil
-salt to taste

For the "Sour Cream":
-1/2 cup of cashews soaked in boiling water for 30 minutes
-1/2 cup of walnuts soaked in boiling water for 30 minutes
-1/4 cup of water
-1 Tbs. lemon juice
-splash of apple cider vinegar
-salt to taste

1. To make the sour cream, drain the nuts and place them in a food processor with the other ingredients. Blend until smooth, adding more water if necessary.

2. Heat a tablespoon of olive oil in a large frying pan. Add the onion. Saute over medium heat, stirring occasionally, until the onion has caramelized (about 15-20 minutes).

3. Add the beans and cook for a minute or two. Stir in the rice and heat for about two minutes. Stir in the salt and sour cream. Serve on a tourniquet of Spanish moss and Sabal palmetto.

This recipe sounds like a trio of original numbers.

Click (Food): Vegan Dating Shows, Snackrilege, John Salley's Vegan Wine and a Portobello Banh Mi

Vegan Metalhead foodcarts, former NBA players making vegan wine, vegan singles for dating shows and lot's of food wrapped in bread. That pretty much sums up the last two weeks. Let's take a deeper look: 

Happenings:

• First it was the farm to table movement. Now we have freezer to table. Wait, that's already a thing. Anyway, Amy's, maker of those frozen pizzas and microwaveable meals in your grocer's freezer section, will be opening a drive thru restaurant in California


• A vegan metalhead food cart with dishes like Kale 'Em All salad and Tofu Balls to the Walls? Let me guess... it's called Snackrilege and it's located in Portland


• Former NBA player John Salley owns a wine business that caters to the vegan crowd. It's called The Vegan Vine and you just missed a tasting of it in Philly. Unless you were there, then you didn't 


• NBC is seeking vegan singles for their new dating show. No word on what they plan to do with these singles


• Five hotels that get real friendly with vegans.


• Ashitha Nagesh, a vegan, writes that animal activists need to stop comparing the treatment of animals to slavery. I'd also like to add the Holocaust to the list


• Hungry Hearts: Finally! Rejoice! A vegan movie character! In an actual movie that played on some big screens! Not so fast...the vegan character happens to be mother who is going crazy and starving her baby at the same time

Recipes:

Vegan Avocado and Heirloom Tomato Caprese from The Chubby Vegetarian

The Chubby Vegetarian has never let me down. He is one of the few internet people I trust completely. This means I rarely mess with his recipes. If he calls for Japanese eggplants, I look around until I find them. No matter what the cost. So I was planning on doing the same with this dish. No substitutions baby! But then I read 1/4 cup of fresh cilantro leaves on the ingredient list. That seems like a mistake? 1/4 a cup of cilantro? Why would someone ever want to do that to another human being? I mean don't we all have that abnormal twist in our genetic makeup that makes eating cilantro taste like that time your mom washed your mouth out with soap because you called your brother a name better left unwritten?   

Portobello Banh Mi by Kiss My Bowl

Ha, ha, ha. Shanna, of Kiss My Bowl blog fame, is just like me. No, I'm not saying she is egotistical. No, I'm also not suggesting that she is obsessed with fantasy role playing video games and keeps visiting that one site because the anime girls are super "fascinating". I mean we are the same in the sense that Banh Mis (is that the plural form?) make her wax nostalgic for a childhood memory that doesn't exist. Her mom never slaved over a hot Vietnamese oven to craft a sandwich of epic proportions, yet every time she eats one she remembers her childhood. My mom also never slaved over a Vietnamese oven to craft a Banh Mi. In fact, when I requested she make me one for Christmas dinner, I caught her looking for a Banh Mi mix in the Hamburger Helper aisle. I'm kidding, mom (no I'm not). 

Peanut Butter Banana Ice Cream Bites from Vegan Does It

I'm not a chocolate fan unless you put it with peanut butter or bananas. Then I'm a chocolate fan. This recipe goes one better and puts chocolate with both peanut butter and bananas. Please excuse me while my head explodes.

Mushroom and Lentil Sliders from Tinned Tomatoes

I have a certain bit of amnesia when it comes to veggie burgers. I have to, otherwise I would quit trying. Wait, this sounds familiar. Didn't I write this exact same thing two weeks ago? A sucker never learns. I like the thought of these because they are sliders. That means the burgers themselves are smaller. So the chances of them leaking everywhere and ruining my bread (or bed as auto correct would have you think) has to be greatly reduced right? RIGHT?

Chickpea Salad Sliders from Milking Almonds

More sliders. More little morsels wrapped in tiny bread. As Trine, of Milking Almonds, suggests any excuse to eat something wrapped in bread is definitely the way to go. I think that's where my bread...er...head is at.

Cook: Guacamole Wonton Salad

After a hard night drinking shots of Shirley Temples and Dr. Pepper, J-Fur loves to start reminiscing about all the places she has traveled and the adventures that took place while she was there. Her most recent story involved a steaming pot of queso fundido, bogus taxi drivers and cops with semi-automatic weapons. Sometimes I swear she is making this stuff up. I'm told that queso fundido is a communal treat in Northern Mexico. It consists of Mexican cheese (typically Oaxaca or Chihuahua) that has been either broiled or flambeed. The cheese, which is traditionally topped with chorizo, is served while still hot. It is usually spooned onto tortillas and then eaten. 

Slightly jealous of her story, I wanted to create my own queso fundido adventure. But since queso fundido is hardly vegan (and most times not even vegetarian) I decided to replace the cheese with a giant bowl of guacamole. So instead of queso fundido, we had an evening of guaco fundido. To make things even more adventurous I invited our neighbors, the dudes with the fishing poles and machetes, to stand and watch us eat. Unfortunately, we ran out of tortilla before the guacamole was cashed, and our machete toting neighbors wouldn't let us leave to get more (or was it that I was already in for the night, wearing my alligator pajamas and slippers, and had no desire to go and purchase more?). A search of the pantry turned up some wonton wrappers and I figured they were....who am I kidding. They weren't even close. But, like I said in the beginning, I wanted an adventure. So, using the wonton wrappers as is, we dipped them into the guacamole. Terrible. But I felt enough of a tickle on my tastebuds that I was inspired to continue pursuing a guacamole and wonton pairing. That's how this salad came into existence.

Guacamole Wonton Salad

(printable version)

For the guacamole:

-3 avocados

-juice of one lime

-1 clove of garlic, pressed

-quarter of an onion, small dice

-salt

For the dressing:

-2 1/2 Tbs. Maple Syrup

-2 Tbs. Balsamic Vinegar

-3 Tbs. Lime Juice

-2 small garlic cloves, pressed

For the wontons:

-wonton wrappers

-bowl of water

-peanut sauce (for frying)

-guacamole

For the salad:

-mixed greens

-1/2 pint cherry tomatos, quartered

-1 cup black beans

For the drizzle:

-vegan ranch dressing

-hot sauce

1. For the guacamole: Place the avocados in a bowl and mash them with a fork or potato masher. Add the garlic, onions, lime juice and salt to taste. Stir until the flavors have meshed together. Spread the guacamole on the bottom of a square, glass baking dish. Cover the dish with plastic wrap, making sure the wrap touches the top of the guacamole. Place in the freezer for an hour.

2. For the dressing: Mix all the ingredients in a bowl. Whisk until combined.

3. For the salad: Mix the greens and cherry tomatoes in a large bowl. Cover with the desired amount of dressing. Add the black beans on top and toss until the dressing has been mixed in. Set aside.

4. For the wontons: Heat about an inch of oil in a pan over medium heat. When it shimmers, the oil is ready for frying. Take about a tablespoon of guacamole (should be stiff but not completely frozen) and place in the middle of a wonton wrapper. Dip your finger in water and run it along the edges of the wrapper. Fold diagonally overtop of the guacamole and seal the wonton wrapper (use additional water if necessary). Place four wontons in the oil at a time. Fry for a minute and forty five seconds on the first side. Flip and fry for an additional minute on the other side. Using tongs, pull the wontons out of the oil and place on a paper towel lined plate. Repeat until all the guacamole has been used.

5. For the drizzle: Mix some vegan ranch dressing with a teaspoon (or more) of hot sauce.

6. To arrange the salad: Spoon the mixed green mixture onto a plate. Top with the guacamole wontons. Drizzle the vegan ranch mixture overtop. Grab your creepiest neighbors and make it a party!

This dish parties like this.

Cook: Barley Legal Chick(peas)

As I was typing out a menu this week, I found out just how easy it is to transpose the letters in barley to make it say barely. That got me thinking, what happens when I google search barley in place of barely in a pornorific term like barely legal? I had to find out.

For the most part, barley legal brings up a million links to beer making groups and beer drinking clubs across the country. Ha, ha, I get it, barley legal and beer. Nice. I kept clicking through search results and somewhere around page three or four, I came across a pretty awesome surprise. Beautiful barley legal escorts in Houston, TX.

Now, I have no desire for barely legal escorts but a barley legal one, that’s a bit different. I can only imagine what happens when you order one of those girls (or guys?). They probably sneak in all discreet like filling the room with the scent of their cheap perfume. Their face is nothing but a mask, overloaded with enough makeup to make a clown blush (although you can’t see it beneath their face paint, clowns do blush). Their high heeled shoes rat, tat, tat, across the wooden floor of the high class motel you rented just for this occasion. They carry a bag, filled to the brim, with everything you are going to need to make this rendezvous a memorable one. As you stare ravenously at her (or him?), they reach into their bag and pull out…a huge tupperware container of some extremely tasty barley dish. They set it on the table and then whip out a crystal glass and the finest china that money can buy. The table gets set, the lights go down and candles get lit, and then you eat, while she (or he?) stares on. You invite them to join but they decline. That would be too much like a relationship. This is a job for them, not an emotional attachment. You continue to slowly eat the barley, savoring every bite, until the buzzer sounds singling the end of her (or his?) visit. As quickly as it was unpacked, everything is collected and put back into the bag. She (or he?) then let’s herself out and heads off to fulfill some other person’s barley packed fantasies.

This is what J-Fur has been fantasizing about this week (no joke, I’ve made it three times by request):

Barley Legal Chick(peas)
(printable version)

-2 cups pearled barley, cooked
-2 cups garbanzo beans
-1 medium red onion, thinly sliced
-2 Tbs. olive oil
-juice of 1 lemon
-3 bay leaves, broken into pieces
-1 tsp. Tumeric
-1 tsp. smoked paprika
-1 tsp. salt

1. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit.

2. Mix the barley and garbanzo beans in a 9 x 13 rectangular baking dish. Add the onions and mix. Add the rest of the ingredients one-by-one mixing after each.

3. Bake the mixture for 20 minutes. Stir it. Bake for another five to ten minutes. Remove the bay
leaves. Serve in your favorite barley legal manner.

Hottie Black Eyed Peas and Greens Simmered with Ninjasonik and Overlord

As our alien governor continues to do battle with the state's public education employees I figured it was time to reach to a higher power. Black-eyed peas and greens have long been a New Year's Day tradition in the South. The meal is intended to represent coinage (the beans) and bills (the greens). I figured why wait until New Year's to request prosperity. I mean most banks are closed that day anyway. The recipe I used came from Isa Chandra Moskowitz's Appetite For Reduction which blends the beans and greens with tomato sauce, hot sauce, broth and liquid smoke to create a lively dish fit for any mendicant. As you can see, I added some garbanzos for rhyming effect.

As the greens simmered and the beans basted I moved to the moshing sounds of Ninjasonik. The band's new song "Mosh Pit" combines elements of electronica, hip-hop, punk and dance with lyrics of debauchery and getting crazy in the club (basically like a night out with Joy). "Mosh Pit," which features the production of Dutch DJ Crew the Partysquad, is from Ninjasonik's second LP due out September 20th.

Ninjasonik (featuring Partysquad)-Mosh Pit

For something completely different tap your toes to "Keep it From the Baby" the new video from Overlord. Don't be fooled, while the band name says metal, the music is much closer to indie pop than death. Their new album, In Soviet Russia my Heart Breaks You, can be listened to in its entirety at their soundcloud page.

Beans, Bread and Polaroids: A Monologue About Moreno's New Album

I finally got around to listening to Polaroids, the new album from my favorite Chilean artists Moreno (mentioned here and here and here). What Moreno has going on with Polaroids is a much tighter and more polished album than its predecessors. That isn't to say that Polaroids loses the rawness that is Moreno's strength, quite the opposite. But this new lustre serves to create tracks that swirl and dance and move in ways that the others couldn't. Imagine a blueberry. Now join it with a lemon. That is what you are getting her, the blending of flavors that work. There are sounds on these tracks that either haven't been incorporated before or were buried so far down that one couldn't hear them. Now, they take their rightful place upfront. Moreno brings in sound effects and samples which give one the feel of traveling through various parts of the world. At times I feel underwater, other moments I am transported to the jungle or watching a clown at the circus. While Polaroids still contain some of Moreno's signature instrumentals, it is his voice that really makes the music complete. Be sure to check out "Pichon" and "Comiendo con la Mano" as these two tracks emphasize everything I've come to enjoy about this album. After that, sit back and crank up "No Jodas" as it competes with "Pica" for best Moreno song. You can download the entire album, for free, here.

Polaroids is best served with Vegan baked bbq black-eyed peas (in the background above) and jalapeno onion cornbread (pictured below) courtesy of the Vegan Meow Blog.