"Let me come by and pick you up, your tattooed heart is all I want, your cocaine (queso) kiss tastes like no other."
-Lukr
I am notorious for hearing what I want to hear when it comes to song lyrics. Even after my wife corrects me, I usually continue to roll with my original thought. That's mostly because I like what I came up with better. "Fucked Up Summer," the new single by Nashville musician Lukr, played out almost the exact opposite of this. I didn't mishear Lukr's lyrics. I knew from the beginning that he was comparing an unnamed woman's kiss to the addictive act of snorting white shit up your nose. But when Lukr approached me about pairing his song with a plant based queso, well, shit, I could no longer think about anything but the queso. That includes cocaine. Somewhere between my private shower concerts and the changing of my car's oil, Lukr's lyrics morphed from a cocaine kiss into a queso one. While it drives my wife batty, I'm perfectly okay with this slight alteration.
Before we dive finger deep into Lukr's queso (he's a vegan y'all), let's explore his artistic side a bit. Lukr began making music as a kid on an $80 piano. In his teens he fronted a band called Farewell Flight. The band toured from one coast of the US to the other dozens of times playing hundreds of shows. Eventually Lukr wound up in Nashville where he began writing/collaborating with artists from LA, NY, Australia and the UK. He spent some time writing songs for other people before making the leap into a solo career. "Fucked Up Summer" is Lukr's first solo single. It illustrates perfectly Lukr's self-described "nostalgic neon grunge pop." The track relates the varied emotions that come with a freshly severed relationship. There's the remorse and solitary angst brought on by what used to be, the longing negotiations designed to keep the two of you in touch for just a few more seconds/hours/days/weeks and the interspersed moments of power and invincibility that come with knowing your whole world has crumbled around you and your path is no longer as fixed as it once was. In short, Lukr implies that his fucked up summer is like a dangerous car ride, a drug addiction, Catholic guilt, a strung out paradise, a forgiving shower and queso all rolled into three months that have been boiled down into about four minutes.
So you already know what one cooks up with a track like this. In case you are afflicted with a disease that only allows you to retain information for a few milliseconds, let me remind you that it's queso. You pair this track with queso. But not just any brand of queso. This is a special, plant-based, vegan queso that Lukr has created in his own kitchen. You want the printable goods? Go here.
"Fucked Up Summer" in video form (it is most fun this way):
Let's start at the foundation of this recipe, the vegan burger. There is a reason why people love those f***ing frozen patties full of hexane that come from their grocer's freezer. You can smash 'em, dash 'em, bite 'em and step on 'em and you still will have a finely shaped burger that won't leave some dirty mashed potato looking mess on your clothes. In other words, frozen burgers are invincible. So in order for a homemade version to stand up to their frozen counterparts, they also need an air of invincibility. These burgers are no different. They must be formed, then skillet fried and bulgogi doused before coming into contact with my teeth. Thankfully, they stood up to all the rigorous testing I put them through. Higher Power's version of invincibility comes from the album's opener, "No Weakness." When I originally heard the song I suggested that it is "vintage the Dirty Nil, with roaring guitars, screeching feedback and screaming vocals" and that it "definitely ranks in the top five percent of all-time Christmas Amish crouton breakfasts" (you had to be there). After spending a bit more time with "No Weaknesses," I would add that the guitars, feedback and screaming sort of meld together into this wall of absolutely brilliant thrash. This thrash feels, during the verses and the long instrumental especially, that it is perilously close to running amok. But just as things appear to be too far gone the Dirty Nil reigns it all in and embraces a slightly more melodic and harmonious shout of "No Weaknesses." Brute force patty meet brute force song:
This invincible vegan burger is created by combining a unique blend of legumes (chickpeas), grains (barley), fungus, veggies and nuts (cashews). Each of these ingredients serves their own unique purpose. For the chickpeas and barley, that purpose is providing texture while also creating a sort of starchy binding to help hold the burger together. The cashews incorporate a certain amount of nuttiness to the burger. The veggies and fungus add the glutamate-rich flavoring that takes this burger farther away from other veggie versions and closer to their meat counterparts. Higher Power features the same components present on it. For instance, "Lowlives" brings an almost hardcore styled punk sound to the album. It doesn't get much starchier than that. The next track, "Friends In The Sky,"is an on again off again raucous punked out country number. It provides texture for the album, showing that there is more to the Dirty Nil than just screaming, feedbacking, and rock and roll. The triumvirate of "Know Your Rodent," "Bluto Bloody Bluto," and "Violent Hands" work at such a pace that your body is bound to be shooting out excitatory signals so rapidly that one can't help but wonder if things aren't about to turn toxic. I know glutamate fits in there somewhere but my science is super limited. I went to a school where they taught creationism and shit.
The album's second track, "Zombie Eyed," (here) has quickly become one of my favorites (and my toddler's too). It fills the negative space that is left behind by "No Weaknesses." The insane and out of control verses have been replaced by a calmer, slightly cleaner band. But like a hockey player who will forever grow back his beard once the playoffs begin, I know this clean feel is fleeting. By the time the band reaches the chorus the pent up pressure of remaining even keel comes to a head. We quickly fall back onto our out of control, feedback driven, rollercoaster. It is at this point in the song, right around the first chorus, where I find myself thinking about Rivers Cuomo. What if he had moved to Ontario, Canada instead of LA when he turned 19? What if his mode of transportation was a dirt bike instead of a surfboard? Could Pinkerton have taken on an even rawer, colder feel? Could Rivers have felt the need to crank the vocal feedback dial well past warm and into hot territory to keep him from freezing in the Canadian cold? I wrestle myself back to the present when the line "If I'm a dog, you're a swine" plays through my speaker. I don't come up for air again until the last of the "I guess I'm just zombie eyed's" are uttered to close out the track. "Zombie Eyed" is to the album as the bulgogi sauce is to my burger. Adding the bulgogi serves two purposes. First it provides the swine, it gives the burger additional flavor that makes something like adding bacon unnecessary. Second, the sugar in the bulgogi caramelizes when it is heated and gives the burger a nice charred look to it. I placed it on my plate and immediately starting giving it zombie eyes. I wasn't the only one, Z-Bot did as well.
When "Wrestle Yu to Husker Du" (it appears the umlauts are gone on Higher Power), kicks into gear I find myself again thinking of Rivers Cuomo. This time around I see the Weezer leader drunk on cheap gin while lamenting previous love losses. While this is going on, his current girl snuggles up next to someone else. Next thing I know it is all romps in the hay and playing doctor in the reeds. But, as the Dirty Nil points out, there is no moral conflict taking place while stealing another man's girl because "I don't care about your man, oh ya, f*** him, he left you in a glass of cheap warm gin." This track is reminiscent of the sweet potato based "nacho" cheese that is slathered overtop of the burger. Think about it. You've got a party going on. In the corner, milk, rennet and the cultures are all smoking weed and getting drunk. While they aren't paying attention along comes sweet potato, nutritional yeast and coconut milk. They don't give a f*** about what those other three are doing, tradition or unspoken rules. All they know is that there is one hot, bulgogi covered burger needing some cheese on top. They work their magic and the rest is history.
"Helium Dreamer" wasn't a song I liked the first two or three times I listened to Higher Power. It felt too much like a one trick pony compared to most of the rest of the album. Scream a single key verse, yell something during the chorus, repeat and do again. But at some point I stopped looking at it as just a straightforward hardcore track and I realized that sprinkled around those screams, which were actually quite catchy screams mind you, were some pieces of rock and roll musicianship. I came to appreciate the song, much in the way I have come around to both brussels sprouts and kimchi. My first few experiences with both of these were pretty unremarkable. Now, I'm a big fan of both. I decided for this burger, I wanted to pair these two vegetable based dishes together to create a sort of brussels sprout kimchi relish. The topping is fabulous enough to eat on its own but works even better when part of something larger (just like "Helium Dreamer").
Higher Power wraps up with the Dirty Nil's version of a power ballad called "Bury Me at the Rodeo." The song features scaled back (or at least as scaled back as the Dirty Nil seems to go) vocals with only momentary traipses into the red. The music is still bursting with feedback but this version is created by strumming once or twice and then moving the instrument closer to the amp. "Bury Me at the Rodeo" is less of a sprint and more of a slow jog through the park. The chorus sees the band at their most melodic, making it totally appropriate for a rock and roll funeral. I'd compare this track to the burger's bun which also signifies the end. It is both the first and last thing that you will come into contact with while eating this sandwich. A good bun can take this burger from great to out of this world. A bad one can drop the entire sandwich down a rung or two.
Overall, I absolutely love the Dirty Nil's Higher Power. Track after track of rock and roll that is meant to be played loud. I haven't felt this way about an entire rock album since the Menzingers' last album came out two years ago. Higher Power is probably the most complete punk debut (I know the band doesn't want to be called punk but I can't help it, that is the vibe I get here) since Dillinger Four's Midwestern Songs of the America's came out in 1998. Yes, my friends, I've been waiting 18 years for an album like Higher Power to come back around. While there were definitely some lean years in there, the Dirty Nil makes the wait so worth it.
Z-Bot had the wonderful idea of decorating our newly purchased six foot Christmas tree with mushrooms. These weren't the magical kind that regrow brain cells or cure depression, they were just your typical portobellos on a moldy ass stem. I played along by putting some hooks through the mushrooms and hanging them just out of her reach. After showcasing the portobellos for a few hours, I removed them from the tree with the intention of breading and basting them in hot sauce for some buffalo flavored 'shrooms. But, when the time came, I didn't have the motivation. I stuck them in the back of the refrigerator and told myself that I'd do it tomorrow. Tomorrow came and went. So did the next day and the next. Pretty soon calendar pages would be falling off the wall and those 'shrooms would join forces with even more mold and wind up mutating into god knows what. My veggie cheesesteak was easy enough, so I decided to take that route to get the mushrooms out of my refrigerator.
The only problem with the veggie cheesesteak route is the cheese. Since I quit dairy, I haven't found a competent replacement for the cheese on cheesesteak. It is bad enough that I bastardize the thing with mushrooms instead of steak. But cooking one up and not putting any cheese on it frankly defeats the purpose. I mean can you have a cheesesteak without cheese and steak? So I set to work trying to find a vegan cheese that would work. I stumbled on a sweet potato, coconut milk and nooch version by Connoisseurus Veg. I have a pretty good idea what you are thinking. No fu**ing way can sweet potato, coconut milk and nooch make something that tastes like Cheez Whiz. Well, my friend, you are absolutely right. This doesn't taste like Cheez Whiz. It won't confuse you. You won't bite into this sandwich and think you are on the streets of Philadelphia eating at Pat's or Geno's. On the other hand, it tastes good. It exists as it's own thing. If you just take the mindset that this is a completely new type of cheese, one that you have never sampled before, you will find that it isn't too shabby. What's better is this cheese sauce can go where no vegan cheese has gone before (at least in my house). I'm talking soft pretzels, nachos and fried green tomato sandwiches.
-1 onion, diced
-1 green pepper, diced
-3 large portobellos, diced
-steak sauce
-olive oil
-sub rolls, toasted
for the cheese:
-2 sweet potatoes, cubed and boiled until soft
-1/4 cup full fat coconut milk
-3 Tbs. Nutritional Flakes
-3 Tbs. olive oil
-2 Tbs. soy sauce
-2 Tbs. lemon juice
-1/2 tsp. garlic salt
1. Make the cheese sauce by placing all the ingredients in a blender and blending until smooth. Set aside.
2. Saute the green pepper and onions in olive oil until they are fragrant and beginning to caramelize. Add the mushrooms and a bit of steak sauce. Cook until the portobellos have softened, released their juices and the juice has cooked off.
3. Spoon the mushroom mixture into a sub roll. Drizzle the "cheese sauce" overtop. Add your favorite condiments. Eat it.
While the calendar says November, it feels like anything but around these parts. I'm talking weeks upon weeks where the thermometer has climbed above 80 and partied all day long. That's not supposed to be happening, not at this time of year. I shouldn't be carrying around a handkerchief to wipe the sweat from my face on Halloween night, yet there I was doing just that.
While in the grand scheme of things weather isn't that big of a deal, just something for old guys to safely discuss, it is relevant to this post. Because of the weather (and the consuming nature of my job) I, Tender Branson, protector of all food and its sacredness, watched some food slowly wither and die. It was worse than the black pumpkin that is sitting on my counter as we speak.
It started when Shallows, a trio from Winchester, Britain, was kind enough to invite me into their musiculination (a term I just coined). First, they sent me some of their tranced up electro-pop. I immediately fell for "Enso" because of its seamless blending of an 80's guitar rock vibe with hypnotic synths and echoing vocals. I fired back at Shallows asking what kind of meal they might enjoy with "Enso." Their response was a dish that combined carrots, parsnips, pine nuts, couscous and Halloumi cheese. That response hit my inbox nearly a month ago. Since then, I've scrolled past that dish nearly every day. Yet I couldn't bring myself to eat it. Something always got in the way. One night it was the haunted house. Another time I had to write a rubric (and another and another). There was a night of planning, a night of pumpkin lattes and a night of aviation simulations. With each and every delay, the carrots molded, the Halloumi cheese hardened and the pine nuts did whatever old pine nuts do. The couscous? They just incessantly talked about the weather. So here I am, November 5th, and I'm finally diving into the dish and bringing it to all of you. My fears? The blue stuff will kill me. That both Shallows and my gastrointestinal system will hold it against me. For the rest of the month, my shadows will continue turning to dust. And the f***ing couscous will never shut up about the weather.
But, fears were meant to be faced. It's time to do just that.
The pine nut, Halloumi cheese, carrot and parsnip dish that was recommended by Shallows to pair with this track can be found here.
Here is the timeline I provided the cops the other night:
4:10-I arrived home with my daughter. I put some basted tofu in the oven and began cooking it. 4:15-I turned on Spotify so my daughter and I could do some dancing while we waited on the tofu. I turned on my playlist called "All the Punks Horses." Every once in a while my daughter likes heavy music. 4:20-I put a diaper on my head. My daughter laughed. 4:21-I put a box on my head over the diaper. She laughed harder and said "Dada, box, hat!" 4:22-My daughter handed me her mop. I tucked it down the back of my shirt like a floppy headed sword. She laughed harder still. 4:23-I picked up my computer lap protecter and began beating it like a drum. My daughter ran and got her xylophone. We made some sweet music for a bit. 4:29-The Chainsaw Hookers' "Never Sleep Again" played on the stereo. Right after the line "some shit's going down on my street" I heard a knock at the door. I turned the stereo down a little but forgot to remove my costume. 4:30-I opened the door. My neighbor, who was naked, stood there staring at me. I stared back at him. We looked each other up and down. At nearly the same time we yelled "WTF" (only we used the actual words and not the acronym, neither of us wants text lingo infiltrating our conversations). He ran away. I slammed the door. 4:40-I heard the toilet being ripped from the floor in his apartment. Next thing I know, water is gushing through the walls. Sometime during the process of ripping it out, I heard him exclaim "What kind of outfit was that?" Was it my fault he did what he did? 4:50-I took the tofu out of the oven and made the sandwiches (featured below).
Shit's Going Down Tofu and Sun-Dried Tomato "Cheese" Wrap
(printable version)
For the tofu:
-1/4 cup soy sauce
-1/4 cup veggie broth
-2 Tbs. maple syrup
-1 Tbs. liquid smoke
-1 Tbs. lemon juice
-1 Tbs. tomato paste
-1 Tbs. olive oil
-2 cloves garlic, pressed
-one block of tofu, sliced into small strips
For the sun-dried tomato and cashew cheese:
-1/3 cup cashews
-3 Tbs. canola oil
-1/8 cup lemon juice
-1/2 Tbs. Tahini
-1 Tbs. sun-dried tomatoes in oil
For the sandwich:
-sprouts
-lettuce
-avocado
-flat bread
1. To make the cheese: Soak the cashews overnight. Place them in a food processor with the oil, lemon juice and Tahini. Puree along with 2 tablespoons of water. Keep the processor running for six minutes so that all the cashews become smooth and creamy.
2. Spoon the mixture into a triple cheesecloth. Arrange into a log. Twist the ends of the cheesecloth and secure with rubber bands. Let sit, over a strainer, at room temperature for 12 hours. Discard cheesecloth. Chill.
3. Preheat over to 200 degrees Fahrenheit. Bake for 35 minutes. Remove from the oven and mash in the sun-dried tomatoes and oil.
4. To make the tofu: Mix all the ingredients, except for the tofu, in a small container. Put the tofu into a shallow rimmed dish. Pour the marinade overtop. Place in the refrigerator for at least two hours.
5. Preheat the oven to 450 degrees Fahrenheit. Remove the tofu from the marinade and place on a greased baking sheet. Bake for fifteen minutes. Remove from the oven. Flip the tofu pieces. Pour a little marinade overtop. Bake for ten minutes. Remove from the oven, flip and spoon the remaining marinade on. Bake for five more minutes. Remove from the oven and cool slightly.
6. Smother half of your flat bread with the cashew cheese. Line some tofu slices up down the middle. of the cheese mixture. Add a handful of sprouts, a few lettuce leaves and some avocado slices. Wrap the whole sandwich up. Eat while answering whatever questions the cops have.
I came to the realization, when I published my version of a Tofu Asada Burrito two weeks ago, that my original goal of recreating the vegan cheesesteak burrito at Cantina Dos Sequndos had been completely bastardized. Gone was the "cheese," replaced by only kind words and good intentions. The steak became tofu, or as I like to call it the meat eater's vegetarian whipping boy, which won't fool anybody because it is a completely different texture and color. And the mushroom ketchup became salsa. I figured a rectification was in store for at least two of the three changes (mushroom ketchup, I can't go there right now, but I did find some Tabasco ketchup that I splattered on top). So I set out to make the burrito again.
I'm not keen on seitan, especially when it is paired with a glutenous bread, as it completely terrorizes my stomach. But I had great success years ago using it as steak in mustard sauce, so I used it here. I told myself that the steak would be piled much lower than an actual steak burrito so it probably wouldn't do too much harm. I used Post Punk Kitchen's basic seitan recipe to make it. For the vegan cheese, I used my favorite cashew goat cheese recipe that came from an old Vegetarian Times article. I was very pleased with the results. I have enough cheese leftover that I might just give this asada thing a third go round, this time using portobello instead of seitan. Stay tuned.
*PS: I apologize for the picture. I was too hungry and with child to pose the final product in a slightly fancier setting.
Seitan Asada "Cheesesteak" Burrito (inspired by Cantina Dos Segundos)
(printable version)
For the seitan asada:
-one pound of seitan, thinly sliced
-juice of three limes
-1 Tbs. olive oil
-2 cloves garlic, finely minced
-1/3 onion, diced
-1/2 tsp. cumin
-1/2 tsp. paprika
-1/2 tsp. oregano
-1/4 tsp. coriander
-1 tsp. garlic salt
-fresh pepper (to taste)
For the caramelized chipotle onions (adapted from Closet Cooking):
-1 Tbs. olive oil
-1 large onion, small dice
-1 chipotle in adobo sauce
-1 Tbs. brown sugar
-1 Tbs. balsamic vinegar
-1/2 cup water
For the vegan goat cheese (adapted from a Vegetarian Times Recipe):
-3/4 cup raw cashews, soaked
-6 Tbs. olive oil
-1/4 cup lemon juice
-1 Tbs. Tahini
-1 tsp. salt
-1 tsp. cracked black peppercorns
For the burrito:
-yucca fries
-tortilla
-salsa/spicy ketchup
-lettuce
1. Make the marinade by mixing the lime, olive oil and spices together in a sturdy container. Add in the thinly sliced seitan pieces and coat them evenly. Place in the refrigerator and allow to marinate for at least a day (this time around I marinated for two days).
2. To make the cheese: rinse the cashews under cold water (remember, they should have already been soaked overnight). Place in a food processor along with the olive oil, lemon juice, Tahini, salt and two tablespoons of water. Process for six minutes. Everything should be smooth and creamy. Wrap the cashew mixture in a triple layer of cheesecloth. Tie it tight and allow it to drain (I used a strainer over a bowl) for 12 hours at room temperature. After draining for twelve hours, chill the mixture in the refrigerator.
3. Form the chilled cashew mixture into a log. Rewrap with a cheesecloth and secure the ends by twisting them. Place on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper. Bake for 35 minutes at 200 degrees Fahrenheit. Cool again. Lay peppercorns onto a plate. Roll the log until sufficiently covered. Chill until you are ready to use it.
4. On the day you plan on making the burritos, start with the onions. Heat the olive oil over medium heat in a pan with a large surface area and lid. Add the onions and the rest of the ingredients into the warm oil. Cook for 45 minutes, stirring occasionally, adding more water if necessary. The onions should be nice and caramelized. If they aren't, continue cooking until they are.
5. While the onions are caramelizing, make the seitan. Heat a tablespoon of oil over medium high. Once it is hot, add the seitan slices and cook until they are slightly charred on all sides (about ten minutes flipping periodically). A couple notes. The less seitan you put into the pan, the more control you will have over the charring. Also the more marinade that gets into the pan, the longer you will have to cook the seitan for it to brown. I did my seitan in batches and poured just a tiny bit of marinade in with each batch. Set aside when finished.
6. On a warm tortilla, layer a chunk of the cashew cheese, some seitan slices and chipotle onions. Pile the yucca fries, salsa (or ketchup) and lettuce on top. Wrap the burrito, slice it in half and serve. Don't forget to show your toddler the proper way to hold a burrito. Otherwise you'll have a seitan asada covered carpet like we did.
I've got a buddy who has been running a cashew farm for over a decade. During the time that he has run this farm he has been very good to me. At least twice a month I would receive a package in the mail that was stuffed with two pounds of cashews and one of his eccentric letters (which he calls "liner notes"). I used those cashews to make things like exotic vegan cheeses, meat free meatloaves and dips. Those liner notes? I read those to my daughter before she goes to bed. Never too early to start on the next generation of eccentric warriors.
This month the packages stopped. I picked up my phone and gave my friend a call to make sure he was okay. He picked up and immediately began apologizing for not sending me a package. Turns out he's in the process of "selling" the farm. By selling, I mean he plans on running a bit of an essay contest. The person who writes the best essay explaining why they would be a good person to run the cashew farm will get it, free of cost.
With the last batch of cashews that I received from his farm I made a roasted veggie and cashew goat cheese quesadilla. Enjoy it. I've got an essay to write.
2. Place the veggies and spices in a rectangular glass baking dish. Pour in the olive oil and stir until all the veggies have been covered by the spice mixture. Bake at 400 degrees Fahrenheit for 40 minutes (or until tender).
3. To make the quesadillas: lay out a tortilla. Spread the cashew goat cheese to cover the entire thing. Spoon enough veggies on top to cover the tortilla. Place a second tortilla overtop. On a griddle (or in a flat pan) cook the quesadilla until the tortilla is browned. Carefully flip it and repeat on the second side. Top with salsa and eat while writing an essay to a cashew farmer.
