Food Flavored Album Review: This Album Does Not Exist by DREAMERS

When I visited Brooklyn back in July, I was limited to just one big meal in the city. I had to sift through pages and pages of bookmarks, whittle down hundreds of options to just one. I decided that my one meal should be at Champs Diner in Williamsburg. They seemed to be everything that Tampa was lacking. Completely vegan, highly recommended, delicious diner food. After choosing Champs, I figured the hard work was done. It wasn't. There were dozens of items on Champs menu that sounded amazing. How could I choose just one? While I eventually did select one, a pretty good buffalo chicken sandwich, there was another item, an opportunity cost for those economic nerds out there, on the Champs special of the day board that stayed with me long after I left Brooklyn and returned to Tampa. That item was a Cauliflower Po' Boy. According to the description, this Po' Boy included breaded cauliflower, cajun slaw, pickles and vegan bacon. I've made a version of this sandwich several times over the past month. Most of these Cauliflower Po' Boy experiences have coincided with my listening to the debut LP from DREAMERS.

DREAMERS debut, titled This Album Does Not Exist, and the Cauliflower Po' Boy actually have quite a bit in common. On the surface, both have ties to Brooklyn. The Po' Boy idea, born at Champs, while DREAMERS spent about two years living in a practice space in the city. Both recipe and album are blurred culminations of varied experiences and tastes. For DREAMERS this means that the band wrote the album while suffering through self-induced houselessness and the aforementioned two years living in a Brooklyn practice space. Also inspiring parts of the album are the band's circling of the US four times in a small van and their experience seeing countless cities and meeting new people everywhere they went. Meanwhile, the Po' Boy variety comes from its spicy hot sauce, sour pickles, fragrant Cajun spice and salty bacon. But let's not just hang out on the surface. Let's dig a bit deeper into both album and recipe and see how else album inspires recipe and vice versa.

At the top of DREAMERS This Album Does Not Exist is "Drugs," an anthemic sing-a-long that touches on millennial partying habits. Stay high, get higher, don't think for yourselves, follow along like sheep, its okay because you are still young, do it all, everything, for the drugs, you can never get enough. These partying habits, when run through a Po' Boy language translator, are similar to what I experience when it comes to pickles. F*** if I can't get enough, do it all for them, put peanut butter on them and chalk it all up to the youth that sloshes around inside. The key here is good pickles. Don't buy that s*** that sits on your grocery counters unrefrigerated. Get 'em local from whoever dabbles in pickle making. Trust me, the subtle sourness and crunch these local honeys provide will be so worth it.



Now that you've got a fist full of drugs racing through your central nervous system, DREAMERS come out firing with one of the fastest tracks on the album. "Never Too Late To Dance" is another in a long line of songs about dancing that actually make me want to leave the kitchen and turn some ballroom full of fussy bottoms on its head. This track is catchy as hell thanks to the rhythmic background, pulsating drum beats, the grouped out oh oh ohs and the "can we chase the fire from a lost romance, it's never too late to dance" chorus. Playing the same catchy as hell, fiery, stay drunk on your kiss role in the Po' Boy is the cauliflower. Dredged in corn meal, spices, soy milk and hot sauce, and then baked in the oven, the cauliflower is hot, carby and difficult to resist. Sometimes I plan to make three or four sandwiches but only wind up with two because of my sneaking cauliflower pieces between sandwich construction. My favorite part of the sandwich, my favorite song on the album.



"Last Night on Earth" is one of those songs about watching the world blow up around you. There is a sense of urgency to the track as it questions whether this is heaven or a curse. The only thing apparent is that "s***'s going crazy." Despite the possibility that this could be the last night on earth, the song's participants seem to remain pretty level headed. I mean just the fact that they can take a few moments to contemplate whether this really is the end and seem to be pretty clear about what they want to happen if this is their last night on earth speaks volumes about their "coolness." Had this Po' Boy had some cucumbers in it, I totally would've paired that up with "Last Night on Earth." But because it doesn't, I went with the bacon portion of the sandwich. Why you ask? I feel like the bacon embraces its own flavor. S**t's going all crazy around it with cajun slaw, spicy cauliflower and sour pickles and the bacon does the whole remain calm and bacon on thing. For this Po' Boy, I used the Bacun recipe found here.



Without sounding too much like a television show, I previously featured Sweet Disaster in this post. In the post I said "tonight, you're on top of the world, the king (or queen) of some late night, neon loaded, kingdom of debauchery. Across from you is the person of your moment, the one who puts nothing but bad things into your mind when they are around. Each new destination, on this fine evening, means a different jukebox to control. You've spent time with the Ramones, the Rolling Stones and a sea of others whom you can no longer recollect. As the two of you step outside and watch the final bar close its door and shut off the lights, you lean in for your goodbyes. Despite the fact that you are both swimming "in a river of champagne," a quick glance shows that you are both on the same page when it comes to this night. While "some nights feel like every night, this one feels brand new." And that's me quoting me. "Sweet Disaster" translates nicely to the cajun slaw component of the Po' Boy. The slaw could've easily felt like every other slaw, but it's combination of vegan mayo, cabbage and cajun seasonings comes across as something brand new. Of note, after numerous failed attempts at homemade aquafaba mayo, I bit the bullet and used Hampton Creek's Just Mayo for my vegan mayo. It was my first time using the product and I loved its balance of acidic richness and smooth, almost sauce like texture.



Which brings us to the bread. The bread needs to be a good one as it is what pulls everything together in the sandwich. It is both the first and last thing that you taste. I can't help but think that all the other ingredients probably wish they could play the same essential role that the bread does in the Po' Boy. I've tried to massage all their egos and tell them how important they all are but there is definitely some jealousy that lingers between pickles, cauliflower, slaw and bread. While "Lucky Dog" isn't the first song or the last one and it doesn't come across as the most memorable (despite its kickass handclaps and driving sing-along chorus), it does deal with a similar issue. "Lucky Dog" is a song about having the hottest girl in the crew and trying to stay grounded. It isn't easy to garner all that attention and keep your head about you. The line "All my friends ingredients, wish they were me instead" seems to sum up both album and recipe.



Most of the other songs didn't really do much for me. "Wolves (You Got Me)" and "To the Fire" both got better with age and perhaps, in a month or two, they could play some role in defining the Cauliflower Po' Boy. But in the here and now, they just fall a bit short of the tracks I highlighted.

Overall, I had a blast this summer eating Po' Boys and listening to This Record Doesn't Exist by DREAMERS. Neither album nor recipe is life defining. They won't wind up on any all time lists. But both are joined together when it comes to crafting a definition for the summer of 2016.

Food Flavored Album Review: Higher Power by The Dirty Nil

In a post-apocalyptic world of rage and destruction and zombie eyes, I want to batten down the hatches surrounded by two things: Higher Power, the Dirty Nil's debut full length, and a Vegan Brussels Sprout Kimchi Burger with Bulgogi Sauce and Nacho "Cheese". Here's how it all would go down:

Let's start at the foundation of this recipe, the vegan burger. There is a reason why people love those f***ing frozen patties full of hexane that come from their grocer's freezer. You can smash 'em, dash 'em, bite 'em and step on 'em and you still will have a finely shaped burger that won't leave some dirty mashed potato looking mess on your clothes. In other words, frozen burgers are invincible. So in order for a homemade version to stand up to their frozen counterparts, they also need an air of invincibility. These burgers are no different. They must be formed, then skillet fried and bulgogi doused before coming into contact with my teeth. Thankfully, they stood up to all the rigorous testing I put them through. Higher Power's version of invincibility comes from the album's opener, "No Weakness." When I originally heard the song I suggested that it is "vintage the Dirty Nil, with roaring guitars, screeching feedback and screaming vocals" and that it "definitely ranks in the top five percent of all-time Christmas Amish crouton breakfasts" (you had to be there). After spending a bit more time with "No Weaknesses," I would add that the guitars, feedback and screaming sort of meld together into this wall of absolutely brilliant thrash. This thrash feels, during the verses and the long instrumental especially, that it is perilously close to running amok. But just as things appear to be too far gone the Dirty Nil reigns it all in and embraces a slightly more melodic and harmonious shout of "No Weaknesses." Brute force patty meet brute force song:



This invincible vegan burger is created by combining a unique blend of legumes (chickpeas), grains (barley), fungus, veggies and nuts (cashews). Each of these ingredients serves their own unique purpose. For the chickpeas and barley, that purpose is providing texture while also creating a sort of starchy binding to help hold the burger together. The cashews incorporate a certain amount of nuttiness to the burger. The veggies and fungus add the glutamate-rich flavoring that takes this burger farther away from other veggie versions and closer to their meat counterparts. Higher Power features the same components present on it. For instance, "Lowlives" brings an almost hardcore styled punk sound to the album. It doesn't get much starchier than that. The next track, "Friends In The Sky,"is an on again off again raucous punked out country number. It provides texture for the album, showing that there is more to the Dirty Nil than just screaming, feedbacking, and rock and roll. The triumvirate of "Know Your Rodent," "Bluto Bloody Bluto," and "Violent Hands" work at such a pace that your body is bound to be shooting out excitatory signals so rapidly that one can't help but wonder if things aren't about to turn toxic. I know glutamate fits in there somewhere but my science is super limited. I went to a school where they taught creationism and shit.



The album's second track, "Zombie Eyed," (here) has quickly become one of my favorites (and my toddler's too). It fills the negative space that is left behind by "No Weaknesses." The insane and out of control verses have been replaced by a calmer, slightly cleaner band. But like a hockey player who will forever grow back his beard once the playoffs begin, I know this clean feel is fleeting. By the time the band reaches the chorus the pent up pressure of remaining even keel comes to a head. We quickly fall back onto our out of control, feedback driven, rollercoaster. It is at this point in the song, right around the first chorus, where I find myself thinking about Rivers Cuomo. What if he had moved to Ontario, Canada instead of LA when he turned 19? What if his mode of transportation was a dirt bike instead of a surfboard? Could Pinkerton have taken on an even rawer, colder feel? Could Rivers have felt the need to crank the vocal feedback dial well past warm and into hot territory to keep him from freezing in the Canadian cold? I wrestle myself back to the present when the line "If I'm a dog, you're a swine" plays through my speaker. I don't come up for air again until the last of the "I guess I'm just zombie eyed's" are uttered to close out the track. "Zombie Eyed" is to the album as the bulgogi sauce is to my burger. Adding the bulgogi serves two purposes. First it provides the swine, it gives the burger additional flavor that makes something like adding bacon unnecessary. Second, the sugar in the bulgogi caramelizes when it is heated and gives the burger a nice charred look to it. I placed it on my plate and immediately starting giving it zombie eyes. I wasn't the only one, Z-Bot did as well.



When "Wrestle Yu to Husker Du" (it appears the umlauts are gone on Higher Power), kicks into gear I find myself again thinking of Rivers Cuomo. This time around I see the Weezer leader drunk on cheap gin while lamenting previous love losses. While this is going on, his current girl snuggles up next to someone else. Next thing I know it is all romps in the hay and playing doctor in the reeds. But, as the Dirty Nil points out, there is no moral conflict taking place while stealing another man's girl because "I don't care about your man, oh ya, f*** him, he left you in a glass of cheap warm gin." This track is reminiscent of the sweet potato based "nacho" cheese that is slathered overtop of the burger. Think about it. You've got a party going on. In the corner, milk, rennet and the cultures are all smoking weed and getting drunk. While they aren't paying attention along comes sweet potato, nutritional yeast and coconut milk. They don't give a f*** about what those other three are doing, tradition or unspoken rules. All they know is that there is one hot, bulgogi covered burger needing some cheese on top. They work their magic and the rest is history.




 "Helium Dreamer" wasn't a song I liked the first two or three times I listened to Higher Power. It felt too much like a one trick pony compared to most of the rest of the album. Scream a single key verse, yell something during the chorus, repeat and do again. But at some point I stopped looking at it as just a straightforward hardcore track and I realized that sprinkled around those screams, which were actually quite catchy screams mind you, were some pieces of rock and roll musicianship. I came to appreciate the song, much in the way I have come around to both brussels sprouts and kimchi. My first few experiences with both of these were pretty unremarkable. Now, I'm a big fan of both. I decided for this burger, I wanted to pair these two vegetable based dishes together to create a sort of brussels sprout kimchi relish. The topping is fabulous enough to eat on its own but works even better when part of something larger (just like "Helium Dreamer").



Higher Power wraps up with the Dirty Nil's version of a power ballad called "Bury Me at the Rodeo." The song features scaled back (or at least as scaled back as the Dirty Nil seems to go) vocals with only momentary traipses into the red. The music is still bursting with feedback but this version is created by strumming once or twice and then moving the instrument closer to the amp. "Bury Me at the Rodeo" is less of a sprint and more of a slow jog through the park. The chorus sees the band at their most melodic, making it totally appropriate for a rock and roll funeral. I'd compare this track to the burger's bun which also signifies the end. It is both the first and last thing that you will come into contact with while eating this sandwich. A good bun can take this burger from great to out of this world. A bad one can drop the entire sandwich down a rung or two.



Overall, I absolutely love the Dirty Nil's Higher Power. Track after track of rock and roll that is meant to be played loud. I haven't felt this way about an entire rock album since the Menzingers' last album came out two years ago. Higher Power is probably the most complete punk debut (I know the band doesn't want to be called punk but I can't help it, that is the vibe I get here) since Dillinger Four's Midwestern Songs of the America's came out in 1998. Yes, my friends, I've been waiting 18 years for an album like Higher Power to come back around. While there were definitely some lean years in there, the Dirty Nil makes the wait so worth it.

Cook: Apple-Walnut Salad With Popped Quinoa and Maple-Balsamic Vinaigrette

I'm walking around Denver this weekend, cold as f*** because I forgot to bring a damn winter jacket, and I spot this thrift shop. I duck inside trying to muster up the cajones to actually eat ice cream in 40 degree weather. I mean normally I'd pass, but this is vegan ice cream at its creamiest and dreamiest and I have no idea when I'll be returning to Denver so I gotta roll with it while I can. I start walking the aisles of this thrift shop and quickly realize it is like no other thrift shop I've ever visited (from here on out I will refer to it as a "thrift shop" with the quotes signifying my extreme skepticism of its legitness). There were designer jeans that still had the tags on them, hand knitted taxidermic animals hanging from the walls, clothes WITHOUT STAINS on them and plates that didn't look like they came from a recently deceased older couple. To go along with the product, the prices, phew, those were simply outrageous. I could get stuff cheaper from Target than I could here. That definitely does not fit my definition of a "thrift shop."

Somewhere around the heirloom quinoa (food? and they call this a "thrift shop"), Macklemore came into my head and I seriously thought about, amongst other things, popping some tags. Let's take a trip into my brain to see just how it all played out... *thought bubbles float by* Heirloom quinoa? What kind of human hating savage donates that to a "thrift shop?" And why doesn't my local grocer carry some of that? I totally should just pop it but it is located right next to the cashier with the big eyes. And she keeps staring at me. I think she sees me eyeing the quinoa and knows what I'm thinking. Wait. Backup. Did I suggest popping quinoa? That's f**king brilliant man. Not only are you good looking, but you are so super...*thought bubble float away* Well, that's enough of that. The "thrift shop" experience did lead me to popping some quinoa and throwing it on a salad. So there's that.

Apple-Walnut Salad with Popped Quinoa and Maple-Balsamic Vinaigrette

(printable version)

For the salad:

-Granny Smith Apple, sliced thinly

-1/4 cup of walnuts, crushed

-6 ounces of mixed greens

-4 Tbs. of quinoa rinsed

For the dressing:

-1/4 cup of olive oil (the good stuff)

-2 tsp. balsamic vinegar

-1 tsp. Dijon mustard

-1 Tbs. maple syrup

-salt and pepper (to taste)

1. To pop the quinoa: heat a pan with a lid over medium high heat. When the pan is warm, toss a tablespoon of rinsed and dried quinoa into the pan and place the lid on top. When it starts popping, that means the pan is ready. All the quinoa to pop. When it slows down, just like with popcorn, remove it from the heat and set aside. Place the remaining quinoa into the pan and repeat the popping process.

2. Combine all the ingredients for the dressing in a glass jar with a lid. Shake that baby until it is mixed.

3. Place the greens on a plate (or two or three). Top them with apples and crushed walnuts. Sprinkle the popped quinoa overtop. Pour the dressing on. Eat it.

If you navigate the popping at just the right angle, this salad sounds like...

Cook: BBQ Chickpea Salad with Dronevocado Ranch

Back in January of 2010 the Parrot AR. Drone, a flying machine that streams video to iPhones, won the CES Innovation Award for Gaming Hardware. My fifteen and a half second Google search doesn't tell me whether this is a big deal or not, although I might've turned something up if I hadn't gotten sidetracked looking at drone porn for seven of those seconds, but, hey, an award is an award. You want something to sound legit? Just say that it has won an award. At the time, this little drone victory didn't register with me one bit. It was so far off my radar that, well, I can't even think of a good analogy. But the Parrot AR. Drone obviously registered with some people as it sold 300,000 units within two years of winning the CES award. Drones were no longer just for the military. They were a futuristic force to be reckoned with. Recognizing their value, Amazon, Domino's and Google are just some of the companies that have announced that they would begin drone testing for future corporate use.

Speaking of drones and the future, subsequent versions of the BBQ Chickpea Salad with Avocado Ranch that is pictured above may have drones to thank for their existence. Avocado trees in the region have been under attack by laurel wilt disease since 2009. This disease is caused by a fungus that is carried by redbay ambrosia beetles. Researchers have been working with farmers to try and devise a strategy to combat laurel wilt disease. One of the latest efforts? A drone/disease sniffing dog tandem being tested out by researchers at FIU. While the project is currently still in the piloting stages, it certainly is one worth keeping an eye on especially if you are as fond of the avocado as I am.

BBQ Chickpea Salad with Dronevocado Ranch (adapted slightly from the Garden Grazer)

(printable version)

For the salad:

-2 cups chickpeas

-2/3 cup Vidalia Onion BBQ Sauce

-1 head of Romaine Lettuce, chopped

-1 cup of corn cut from the cob

-1 1/2 cups grape tomatoes

-1 cup shredded carrots

-2-3 green onions

For the Dronevocado Ranch:

-1 avocado

-1 cup soy milk

-juice of one lemon

-2 tsp. apple cider vinegar

-2 garlic cloves, pressed

-1/2 tsp. dried dill

-1/2 tsp. onion powder

1. Mix all the ingredients for the ranch in a food processor. Process until smooth. 

2. Mix all of the salad vegetables in a large metal bowl. Pour the BBQ sauce overtop. Stir to coat the veggies. 

3. Place the veggies on a plate. Spoon the ranch overtop. Attach the plate to a drone, fly it to your table and eat at once.

Drone salads sound like a bunch of this.

Cook: Smoky Sweet Potato Banh Mi

To help us beat the mid-week doldrums, we had a dip day at work on Wednesday. The normal suspects had already been rounded up and accounted for (hummus, salsa, caramel, queso) so I decided to go a bit off the beaten track and reintroduce myself to this sweet potato pate. While I was elbow deep in smoking some of the finest sweet potatoes known to man, not that way Mr. Stoner, I had an idea. My original use for this smoked sweet potato pate was to spread it on a sandwich roll and put a veggie burger on top. What if I skipped the spreading it part and made the pate the centerpiece of the sandwich? I could probably add some crispy pickled veggies to give the smoky sweet potatoes a nice contrast. I'm feeling a nice ciabatta roll and peanuts would dress the sandwich up nice a tidy and a smattering of miso mayo would seal the deal.

So, after the dip was done, I took some leftover sweet potatoes and did just that.

Smoky Sweet Potato Banh Mi (adapted slightly from Earthy Feast)

(printable version)

For the sweet potatoes:

-4 sweet potatoes, peeled and sliced lengthwise into quarter inch slivers

-2 Tbs. vegetable oil

-dash of liquid smoke

-a healthy sprinkling of smoked salt

-pepper

For the pickled veggies:

-3 carrots, cut into matchsticks

-4 radishes, cut into matchsticks

-1 cup of water

-1/4 cup of lemon juice

-1 Tbs. of salt

-1 Tbs. of sugar

For the Miso Mayo:

-2 Tbs. vegan mayo

-1 Tbs. miso

-1 tsp. Tamari

Toppings:

-handful of peanuts

-ciabatta rolls

1. To make the pickled veggies, bring the lemon juice, water, salt and sugar to a boil. Place the matchstick veggies in a glass jar with a lid and pour the lemon juice mixture over top. Put the lid on and then chill in the refrigerator until your sandwiches are ready to assemble.

2. Preheat oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit. In a large metal bowl, mix the sweet potatoes, smoked salt, pepper, liquid smoke and vegetable oil. Make sure the sweet potatoes are covered with the oil and spices and then place them on a baking sheet. Bake for about 15 minutes. You'll know they are ready to go when the sweet potatoes are tender. Be careful not to burn them.

3. Mix all the ingredients for the miso mayo in a small bowl.

4. Slice the ciabatta roll. Slather one side with the miso mayo. Top with three or four slivers of sweet potato. Add the pickled veggies on top. Finish with a handful of peanuts and the top of the ciabatta roll. Bon Appetit. 

This dish sounds like this.

Cook: Guacamole Wonton Salad

After a hard night drinking shots of Shirley Temples and Dr. Pepper, J-Fur loves to start reminiscing about all the places she has traveled and the adventures that took place while she was there. Her most recent story involved a steaming pot of queso fundido, bogus taxi drivers and cops with semi-automatic weapons. Sometimes I swear she is making this stuff up. I'm told that queso fundido is a communal treat in Northern Mexico. It consists of Mexican cheese (typically Oaxaca or Chihuahua) that has been either broiled or flambeed. The cheese, which is traditionally topped with chorizo, is served while still hot. It is usually spooned onto tortillas and then eaten. 

Slightly jealous of her story, I wanted to create my own queso fundido adventure. But since queso fundido is hardly vegan (and most times not even vegetarian) I decided to replace the cheese with a giant bowl of guacamole. So instead of queso fundido, we had an evening of guaco fundido. To make things even more adventurous I invited our neighbors, the dudes with the fishing poles and machetes, to stand and watch us eat. Unfortunately, we ran out of tortilla before the guacamole was cashed, and our machete toting neighbors wouldn't let us leave to get more (or was it that I was already in for the night, wearing my alligator pajamas and slippers, and had no desire to go and purchase more?). A search of the pantry turned up some wonton wrappers and I figured they were....who am I kidding. They weren't even close. But, like I said in the beginning, I wanted an adventure. So, using the wonton wrappers as is, we dipped them into the guacamole. Terrible. But I felt enough of a tickle on my tastebuds that I was inspired to continue pursuing a guacamole and wonton pairing. That's how this salad came into existence.

Guacamole Wonton Salad

(printable version)

For the guacamole:

-3 avocados

-juice of one lime

-1 clove of garlic, pressed

-quarter of an onion, small dice

-salt

For the dressing:

-2 1/2 Tbs. Maple Syrup

-2 Tbs. Balsamic Vinegar

-3 Tbs. Lime Juice

-2 small garlic cloves, pressed

For the wontons:

-wonton wrappers

-bowl of water

-peanut sauce (for frying)

-guacamole

For the salad:

-mixed greens

-1/2 pint cherry tomatos, quartered

-1 cup black beans

For the drizzle:

-vegan ranch dressing

-hot sauce

1. For the guacamole: Place the avocados in a bowl and mash them with a fork or potato masher. Add the garlic, onions, lime juice and salt to taste. Stir until the flavors have meshed together. Spread the guacamole on the bottom of a square, glass baking dish. Cover the dish with plastic wrap, making sure the wrap touches the top of the guacamole. Place in the freezer for an hour.

2. For the dressing: Mix all the ingredients in a bowl. Whisk until combined.

3. For the salad: Mix the greens and cherry tomatoes in a large bowl. Cover with the desired amount of dressing. Add the black beans on top and toss until the dressing has been mixed in. Set aside.

4. For the wontons: Heat about an inch of oil in a pan over medium heat. When it shimmers, the oil is ready for frying. Take about a tablespoon of guacamole (should be stiff but not completely frozen) and place in the middle of a wonton wrapper. Dip your finger in water and run it along the edges of the wrapper. Fold diagonally overtop of the guacamole and seal the wonton wrapper (use additional water if necessary). Place four wontons in the oil at a time. Fry for a minute and forty five seconds on the first side. Flip and fry for an additional minute on the other side. Using tongs, pull the wontons out of the oil and place on a paper towel lined plate. Repeat until all the guacamole has been used.

5. For the drizzle: Mix some vegan ranch dressing with a teaspoon (or more) of hot sauce.

6. To arrange the salad: Spoon the mixed green mixture onto a plate. Top with the guacamole wontons. Drizzle the vegan ranch mixture overtop. Grab your creepiest neighbors and make it a party!

This dish parties like this.

Four for the Fourth: The Tiki Terrier

I’ve often wondered why the ladies haven’t come back with their own version of “Girls Gone Wild” to show that this conversation doesn’t have to be one sided. While perusing through the EBAY porn section last weekend, I thought I had finally found their response. Seems Holly Schmidt and Allan Penn, who I assumed were top notch wiener movie directors, had filmed a production called “Wieners Gone Wild.” I quickly bid 237 dollars for the video and eagerly awaited its arrival (gag gift dude). When it came (no pun intended) on Thursday, I ripped it open. To my UTTER disappointment it wasn’t a video at all. It was a book. On top of that, the wieners they were talking about weren’t the ones I was visualizing. They were hot dogs.

Wieners Gone Wild: Out of the Ballpark Recipes is a cookbook full of exotic hot dog recipes. It was in this moment that I remembered what my Uncle Earl used to say “When life gives you the wrong kind of wieners, make a party out of it.” I intend to do just that. My hot dog of choice, for this 4th of July, is the duo’s Tiki Terrier. It's a hot dog basted in homemade teriyaki sauce and then topped with grilled pineapple salsa. The only changes I made were to replace the beef dog with a vegan version and omit the cilantro and ginger from the salsa. Yummy.

The four tracks I’ll be celebrating this fourth of July with are:

You wanna side of fries with that Tiki Terrier? I sure do. Whatcha got? Sweet Potato? Curly? Disco? Yep, that’s it. The Disco Fries latest piece of work, a single called “The Light”, on Zouk/Armada Music. “The Light” is progressive and melodic. It burns bright and floats high reminding one of the fireworks that will be blazing in tonight’s sky. This is in large part to the beats provided by Niko the Kid. When paired with blazing poppy lyrics, you’ve got a single not unlike a lot of what you find all over your radio. “The Light” will be available to purchase on July 14th via Beatport.



“The Girls Are Here,” is the latest single from New York-based Beautiful Small Machines. The track begins with a bit of a hoot (or holler) reminiscent of Frank Black in “Where is My Mind.” It quickly transitions into a summery harmonizing affair, a la, The Beach Boys. After just a few moments of Beach Boyism, Beautiful Small Machines take the track where it needs to go. A raucous girls night out party affair. Bree Sharp, who penned the track, says that the single “exemplifies feeling invincible before a night out on the town.” All that dressing up is sort of like getting dressed to go into battle. She hopes that the song can make someone feel like “they can take the city by storm and lay it all to waste.” You’ve been challenged girls. Don’t let me down.


For my third song, I’m sticking in NYC but leaving the girl’s night out in the dust for some rooftop
Cold Beer & Broads. Cold Beer & Broads is a collective of musicians who have rubbed elbows with legends and had a hand in some pretty impressive critically acclaimed projects. They are gearing up for a September EP release called Six Pack. The first single to be released is the punky attack everyone at once “First Amendment Blues (The F.U. Song)”. Despite the profane chorus and
its no hold barred approach the single has actually received some airplay at dozens of college radio stations. Guzzle it down:



Sydney-based alternative rock 4-piece CREO just released their brand new single “Afterglow”. It
features a rhythm section that completely dance worthy, layers and layers of oozing guitars, a unique vocal delivery (think snotty yet harmonious) and a chorus soaked in lyrics that are guaranteed to stick with you for weeks (future me says: and months, and years).

Where We Eat: Capital Tacos

I was visiting Sugar and Spice Daycare last week attempting to enroll my new pet calf Lucy (oddly enough, they wouldn’t even consider her for the waiting list). When we reached the parking lot on our way out, we were nearly run over by an out of control car. It came to a screeching halt a few inches from Lucy’s front hoof. Out of the car stepped a tall gangly man wearing neon framed sunglasses, tight pants and a trying too hard to be ironic t-shirt. The passenger side held a strangely attractive short girl with tattoos all over her arms and dark glasses on her face. The guy muttered, “Where are we? I feel like we’ve been in the car for days…”

As Lucy and I approached the guy noticed us for the first time. He took a huge step back. In a typical clipped Tampa accent he said, “What kind of dog is that?” I snickered. “The kind of dog you can milk.” He responded, sounding a bit perplexed, “Oh my god, people out here drink dog milk? Where are we?” I rolled my eyes. “You two are looking for Capital Tacos aren’t you?” He nodded his head and then tried to explain to me what twitter was and how he had heard of this awesome taco place and…I couldn’t keep up with his ramblings. I think Lucy intimidated him.

The truth is, I get it (not the Lucy intimidation part but the wondering where you are). Land O’ Lakes isn’t the most progressive place. You certainly don’t expect to find restaurants with hand carved wooden furniture, mason jar pendants, craft sodas, biodegradable potato starch containers and out of this world taco/burrito/salad/nacho blends. That kind of stuff goes down in Tampa, not Land O’ Lakes.

But Capital Tacos found it the perfect place to set up shop last year. It wasn’t long before Capital Tacos took twitter by storm. I must admit, I ignored it at first. I thought it had something to do with the other Capital places in town and I had no time for that kind of thing. But a few weeks ago, one thing led to another, and there Z-Bot and I were making the long trek out to Land O’ Lakes to experience Capital Tacos.

A check in on Yelp got me a free side of chips as long as I ordered a meal. Not a problem, I could manage that. I requested the Simon Pure (grilled portobello, black beans, pico, bombera salsa and rice) for myself. When I ordered it without cheese the man at the register informed me that if I wanted it completely dairy-free the street corn would have to be removed too. Score. Someone looking out for me. I also ordered a Mean Verde to go (fried avocado, refried pintos, queso, lettuce, pico, jack and cheddar, corn strips) for J-Fur. It normally comes with a poblano ranch salsa, but she suggested I skip it because it might remind Lucy too much of her upbringing.

The first thing I noticed when I sat down was the free chips. Holy nudists! These chips were unlike anything I’ve ever seen before. They were deeply golden in color, large and plump. They were perfectly crisp without the constant need to wipe the grease from your hands onto your pants like other places that make homemade nachos. The chips came salt-free allowing you to perform your own DIY magic. For me, this meant a splash. If my friend HH was along, that would’ve meant a whole truckload. The medium salsa had a nice subtle spice and was not full of the dreaded cilantro. Capital Tacos knew how to spice it just right.

                   The Beautiful DIY-able Chips

Next came the Simon Pure. With one hand on Z-Bot it was impossible to keep the burrito together. Overloaded with portobello, salsa and rice made it a drippy mess. It was the kind of burrito you need to eat two handed and finish with a fork. Without that luxury, I had to start, middle and end it with a fork. The burrito tasted meaty as f***. I had to check a couple times to make sure they didn’t actually serve me animal flesh. Whatever they basted that portobello in was phenomenal. Coupled with the beans, rice and salsa, I watched a burrito fall through my fingers and all over the plate that was comparable to any other I’ve eaten in Tampa. I want tofu, I’ll go to Taco Bus. I want portobello, I’ll go to Capital Tacos. It's as simple as that.

                      The Simon Pure Goodness

As I sat and ate my burrito J-Fur’s was wrapped in a to go bag next to me. About five minutes after I began eating the man behind the counter came over and said, “Here is your burrito to go.” I checked in the bag and already had one. I told him “My other burrito is already in the bag.” He went back to the kitchen to check and then brought it back. “The one in your bag doesn’t have the avocado in it. The person in the kitchen forgot to add it.” That reminded me of one of the complaints I’ve heard about Capital Tacos from friends. They are prone to botching take out orders. Had I left with the burrito instead of sitting in and eating mine, J-Fur would’ve been missing the most important part. If you are ordering out, especially if you are driving up from a Tampa zip, make sure you check your order before you leave. I mean unroll the burrito and everything. Better safe than sorry. With all the ingredients there (and even with substitutions for special diets) these burritos are top notch. Without key ingredients, well, I can’t vouch for them.

         J-Fur’s Mean Verde (from our second visit)

Capital Tacos is good stuff. We’ve been back a few times. They allowed us to sample the soda (pretty good stuff with real sugar). We haven’t tried much else because we keep ordering the exact same thing. That’s when you know it's good. Mark my words, unless something crazy happens, we will be back again and again (and again and again). I'm convinced that eventually there will come a point that entering Land O’ Lakes will be accompanied with a sign that says “Land O’ Lakes, population (who cares) Home of the Famous Capital Tacos.”



Did I mention that Capital Tacos is a long drive from Tampa? To get there requires a lot of music to listen to or one song on repeat. I choose the latter. On repeat was Galantis’ new song “The Heart That I’m Hearing”. Check it:

Rubbed the Wrong Way Mix: Oy Vey, Azeem, Nantes, Microwave Jenny, Bebe Black, Sol, Little Green Cars, Oax, Frightened Rabbit, Centro-Matic and more...

I find these awesome recipes for rubs in pretty random places (I'm talking sports magazines, library books even pizza boxes). I hurry home, take out my block of tofu, clean and gut it gently, throw away all the unnecessary parts (tofu stomach is pretty disgusting if you ask me) and set to work rubbing that block with the utmost love. When it looks good I pop it in the oven and tap the minutes away until it is ready. I slide a piece in my mouth expecting bliss and what I get instead is...horror. This tastes awful! I just can't get my rubs to work. I know it is probably a personal problem that I need to see someone about. But until I can manage that, I find solace in this playlist which is all about rubbing your food the wrong way.

Rubbed the Wrong Way Mix by write.click.cook.listen

(0:01) Frightened Rabbit-The Loneliness
(4:06) Oy Vey-White Lies
(7:18) Azeem ft. Carlos St. John-Hurricanes + Tornadoes
(12: 18) Laura Stevenson & the Cans-Master of Art
(16:09) Nantes-Fly
(19:38) Microwave Jenny-What You Do
(22:54) The Catholic Comb-Patriots of Love
(27:29) Centro-Matic-Only in my Double Mind
(31:24) Bebe Black-I'll Wait (Demo)
(35:59) Sol ft. Grieves & Budo-The Times

(39:43) Little Green Cars-My Love Took Me Down to the River (To Silence Me)

(44:35) Oax-Love and Crashing

Thanks to KEXP blog, MAP, Pigeons and Planes, Indie Rock Cafe, Nialler 9, I Guess I'm Floating, The Ruckus, Swedesplease, Triple J Unearthed and the bands for making this playlist possible

Where We Eat: Burger 21 Shaken with Alexander Ebert and the Submarines

Call me old fashioned but my first reaction when Burger 21, an upscale burger diner located in Westchase, asked me to come to a tasting was "I'd love to try your fries and shakes but I won't be eating any burgers, I'm a vegetarian." I was quickly assured that this is the 21st century and they do offer two vegetarian options at their restaurant (as most places, except Applebees, do now). I quickly hopped in my horse and buggy and made the two day trip to the restaurant.

The first thing I noticed, probably the teacher in me, upon entering Burger 21 was the diner's charity board (picture on the left). One of the core beliefs of the restaurant is that they support neighborhood charity organizations and on the 21st of each month a portion of their proceeds go towards that month's charity. July's charity is Citrus Park Elementary (score one for them before I even sat down to eat).

Enough dilly dally let's talk food. Burger 21 offers 21 types of burgers (they also have salads, hot dogs, fries and shakes) including a "Burger of the Month" which changes each month on...you guessed it, the 21st. As I mentioned before, only two of these burgers are vegetarian. The first burger I tried was the Greek burger. It is a veggie burger topped with lettuce, tomato, roasted sweet peppers, feta spread and pickled cucumbers on a whole wheat roll.

My half of the Greek

Using Lynyrd Skynyrd style southern rock as a metaphor, this burger was sort of like "Simple Man." It was very plain, nothing really stood out about it and the sum of its parts seemed like it should add up to a whole lot more. I wasn't too thrilled by it. I think if they were going this approach, the veggie burger should've been made out of something closer to Falafel. I probably would've really dug it then. If the Greek is "Simple Man" then the second vegetarian option, the Black Bean Burger, is "Free Bird." This burger banged. It was thick, full of flavor and combined a number of interesting elements that each stood out while also meshing together to create an excellent burger.

The Black Bean Burger

For the record, the Black Bean Burger is lettuce, tomato, red onion, avocado, salsa, low-fat sun dried tomato aioli and cilantro sour cream on a whole wheat roll. I've mentioned many times on this blog how I hate mayo and cilantro. This burger could've easily gone wrong for me but, thanks to the subtleness of the flavors, it was oh so right.

While most other participants dined on fries, neither of my burgers came with them. I didn't say anything because I wanted to save room for the shakes and the fries were shoe string which I am not really a fan of. I did try one of Carlos' (Carlos Eats) sweet potato fries. He raved about the combination of sweet and salty how they perfectly supported each other. I don't like sweet potato so I thought they were only so-so, not enough to make me do somersaults. What I did like is that the restaurant offers a sauce bar with eight sauces for dipping. They have toasted marshmallow (too sweet), apple cider (refrained from trying), chipotle mayo (abstained), mango scotch bonnet ketchup (interesting, not sure if it was in a good way or not), ketchup, mustard, honey mustard and thai ketchup (my favorite as it had a hint of spiciness to it).

Burger 21 also offers a full selection of shakes. We sampled seven of them (I only had six missing out on the Tiramisu, the monthly special). I was really impressed that the shakes weren't overly sugary or artificial tasting like a lot of shakes can be. There was actual work that had to be done in order to top these, not just pouring from a bottle or scooping from a container. If you like to drink your milkshakes from a straw, these probably aren't for you. These are thick and chock full of goodies that requires some sort of spoon use. Even with the extra fat straws, I still couldn't get it all up.

The Chocolate Malted Milk Ball Shake

Not a big chocolate fan but I really liked this shake. It includes homemade chocolate syrup (made from dark Ghirardelli chocolate), half a malted milk ball, cocoa powder and blue bell ice cream. Despite all the sugary ingredients the overall taste is not overly sweet.

Strawberry Shortcake Shake

If you like shortcake, you'll like this shake. It tastes very close to the real thing. It uses real strawberries and includes a chunk of shortcake. Probably my second favorite shake.

Ybor City Double Espresso

The coffee drinkers raved about this one. It reminded me too much of a bad tofu rub I made a few weeks ago which also included espresso. If I liked coffee I might've enjoyed this one. As it was, it was way too strong for me.

Chocolate Peanut Butter

I was really excited about this one (I mean look at my krispies). Sadly it was a disappointment as it was way to peanut buttery and not enough chocolate. Even with the crumbled Reese's on top (which are the perfect balance) the result was not great.

Key Lime Shake

A pleasant surprise. I like key lime but most of the time it is cranked the artificial lime taste is cranked way too high. This shake had only a subtle bit of lime. It probably could've used even more. But, when working with key lime, it is better to err on the side of too little.

Bananas Foster Shake

I am so over bananas. I ate one every day for like a month and I haven't eaten them since. This shake included a hot, carmelized banana, cinnamon and sugar (just a touch) and a bit caramel on top. Considering that I am over bananas and I don't like caramel I figured this would be a one and done shake. I was wrong as I sucked it completely down. I turned to my partners to see if they had any left over that I could drink but most of them had put this away quickly too. My favorite shake that Burger 21 has to offer, hands down. Well, at least until the 21st when they offer a new flavor.

Burger 21 is well worth the two day buggy ride for the Black Bean Burger and Bananas Foster Shake alone. Add the thai ketchup and the additional shakes and you've got a place that I will be returning soon.

Burger 21 on Urbanspoon

Riding off in the sunset, Burger 21 behind me, I heard the sounds of Alexander Ebert (leading man for Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes) and RZA. As J-Fur says "Truth" is a cowboy movie, the ending, where the hero is walking out of town with tumbleweeds and setting sun behind him. This is probably because she just watched Rango.

Alexander Ebert Featuring RZA-Truth via KickKickSnare

"Shoelaces" by the Submarines really has no logical tie in to Burger 21, I've just been listening to it a lot lately (including on the way to the tasting).

the Submarines-Shoelaces via the Music Bosses

Tea: A Drink with Jam and Lucy Rose

It has taken a while but some people are starting to get it. The general tendency is to view food and music with completely separate lenses as if they are two different endeavors. But in each realm their exists a similar amount of creativity, spontaneity, passion and excitement necessary for a good performance. I've argued, for the last two and a half years, that food and music aren't that different. More and more people are showing signs of agreeing. So who are these people that are starting to "get" it? CSS released a cooking mixtape and included a recipe for cookies with it, M. Ward and Jim James started a creme brulee blog, Frettin For Food has been putting on concerts to benefit the Blount County food pantry, Steve Albini blogs about his Italian cooking experiences, Dekuliner performs culinary blues rock songs and the Vegan Black Metal Chef sings his recipes in a scary way. To the list we now must add English singer-songwriter Lucy Rose.

Lucy caught her big break when Scottish music critic Edith Bowman heard an early demo and liked it. This led to gigs with Mumford & Sons, collaborations with Bombay Bicycle Club and eventually to headlining shows that sell out in mere minutes and You Tube videos that reach six figures in views. Lucy's connection with food comes at her live gigs. While the merchandise tables of other bands are crowded with t-shirts, bandannas, pomade and actual albums, Lucy prefers to market her own brand of tea (Builder's Grey pictured above) and jam. The tea sells out at every show. The number of jam units purchased to date is 43. When pressed (asked nicely) for the jam recipe Lucy slyly provided a list of ingredients (ginger, rhubarb, apple, lemon, sugar and fruit pectin) with no measurements or instructions. Gotta protect the merchandise! That's just another reason why she "gets" it.

Lucy Rose's first single "Middle of the Bed" will be officially released on August 8th. She will be performing at various festivals throughout the summer (including Belladrum, In the Woods and Bestival).

Lucy Rose - Middle Of The Bed by Lucy Rose

Food Flavored Song of the Day: Need You Now by Peppercorn

On the Wednesday nearest April 23rd the Masonic Lodge of St. George (Number 200) pays its annual rent for using the Old State House as a meeting place. The ceremony consists of a parade, gun salute and the governor arriving in a fancy carriage to accept the payment. What does a meeting house like this cost? Why a single peppercorn perched on a silver plate which is on top of a velvet cushion of course.

I'm currently drafting a letter to governor asking him to consider "Need You Now" by Peppercorn as the ceremony's permanent theme song. The two seem made for each other.

Peppercorn-Need You Now

"Need You Now" is from the forthcoming album Wasted Summer:

Food Flavored Song of the Day: Salt in the Wound by Propane Cowboy

I ate dinner with a group of friends a few years back to celebrate a wedding or birthday or something. At this dinner there was a guy and a girl who I had never met. The two weren't dating but it was obvious that the guy wanted to get with her as all night long he was putting on a show. Unfortunately a lot of this performance seemed to involve me. He spoke to me with haughtiness, contradicted things I said and insulted me a number of times. Eventually the two of us had a showdown over table salt. He tossed his over his shoulder while declaring religious purity, I blew mine in his face fairy dust style. He and the girl left moments later.

The interesting part is, once I poured that common table salt into his wounds, the two of us actually became friends. There's a moral in their somewhere.

Perhaps Propane Cowboy can tell us what that moral is. These guys are an indie rock band from Long Island, New York. They remind me a lot of one of my favorite defunct 90's bands Tripping Daisy, though they have a slightly more pop punk feel. "Salt in the Wound" is courtesy of the band's debut LP Terrible Twenty-Twos which you can purchase here or here or here.

Propane Cowboy-Salt in the Wound

Check out Propane Cowboy at: Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, Youtube or ReverbNation

Matryoshka Hummus Cakes Nesting Inside Skizzy Mars and Germany Germany

You probably don't need me to extol the virtues of hummus so I'll simply say, never have beans tasted so amazing. What you might not realize is that hummus is also wonderful when it is baked into a crusty little patty and shoved, one on top of another, inside a pita. It is sort of like Dostoyevski's onion or one of those hidden Russian dolls. Too bad every condiment doesn't get better when it's baked. I could see myself celebrating birthdays with mustard and barbecue cakes rather than one of those crappy vanilla on vanilla sugar plunkers.

Matryoshka Hummus Cakes (adapted from Vegetarian Times)

(printable version)

-30 ounces of chickpeas, rinsed

-6 green onions, chopped

-1/4 cup Tahini

-Juice of 1/2 a lemon

-1 Tbs. olive oil

-3 cloves of garlic, minced

-1 tsp. lemon zest

-1 tsp. salt

-spinach

-tomato sauce

-pita

1. To make the cakes. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. Process 24 ounces of chickpeas (1.5 cans), green onions, tahini, lemon juice, olive oil, garlic, lemon zest and salt in a food processor until smooth. Stir in the remaining chick peas.

2. Spray a baking sheet with cooking spray. Form the chickpea mixture into small patties. Bake for 35 minutes or until the patties hold together.

3. Slice pitas in half and toast slightly. Stuff spinach inside the pita, add chickpea patties and cover with tomato sauce. House within your stomach walls as quickly as proper etiquette allows.

Skizzy Mars doesn't try to hide in his Kid Cudi style new track "Douchebag." He suggests that there are people who perceive his actions as those of a douchebag and he's not only okay with that, but he thanks god for it. It makes him stronger. At only 17 and dropping tracks like this Skizzy appears destined for Arnold status. Thanks to Big Green Beats for the link.

Skizzy Mars-Douchebag

While Skizzy spits lyrics at a pretty regular pace, Germany Germany takes the approach of less is more. Count up all the words in "Take me Home" and you won't fill all your appendages. No worries as the music says more about cancelled plans and failed afternoons than any poet could. "Take Me Home" comes from the new Germany Germany album, Adventures, that is set to be released on Sunday. You can get it here (after Sunday of course).

Germany Germany-Take Me Home