Thursday, August 22, 2013

Cook: Barley Legal Chick(peas)

As I was typing out a menu this week, I found out just how easy it is to transpose the letters in barley to make it say barely. That got me thinking, what happens when I google search barley in place of barely in a pornorific term like barely legal? I had to find out.

For the most part, barley legal brings up a million links to beer making groups and beer drinking clubs across the country. Ha, ha, I get it, barley legal and beer. Nice. I kept clicking through search results and somewhere around page three or four, I came across a pretty awesome surprise. Beautiful barley legal escorts in Houston, TX.

Now, I have no desire for barely legal escorts but a barley legal one, that’s a bit different. I can only imagine what happens when you order one of those girls (or guys?). They probably sneak in all discreet like filling the room with the scent of their cheap perfume. Their face is nothing but a mask, overloaded with enough makeup to make a clown blush (although you can’t see it beneath their face paint, clowns do blush). Their high heeled shoes rat, tat, tat, across the wooden floor of the high class motel you rented just for this occasion. They carry a bag, filled to the brim, with everything you are going to need to make this rendezvous a memorable one. As you stare ravenously at her (or him?), they reach into their bag and pull out…a huge tupperware container of some extremely tasty barley dish. They set it on the table and then whip out a crystal glass and the finest china that money can buy. The table gets set, the lights go down and candles get lit, and then you eat, while she (or he?) stares on. You invite them to join but they decline. That would be too much like a relationship. This is a job for them, not an emotional attachment. You continue to slowly eat the barley, savoring every bite, until the buzzer sounds singling the end of her (or his?) visit. As quickly as it was unpacked, everything is collected and put back into the bag. She (or he?) then let’s herself out and heads off to fulfill some other person’s barley packed fantasies.

This is what J-Fur has been fantasizing about this week (no joke, I’ve made it three times by request):

Barley Legal Chick(peas)
(printable version)

-2 cups pearled barley, cooked
-2 cups garbanzo beans
-1 medium red onion, thinly sliced
-2 Tbs. olive oil
-juice of 1 lemon
-3 bay leaves, broken into pieces
-1 tsp. Tumeric
-1 tsp. smoked paprika
-1 tsp. salt

1. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit.

2. Mix the barley and garbanzo beans in a 9 x 13 rectangular baking dish. Add the onions and mix. Add the rest of the ingredients one-by-one mixing after each.

3. Bake the mixture for 20 minutes. Stir it. Bake for another five to ten minutes. Remove the bay
leaves. Serve in your favorite barley legal manner.