Cook: Sh**'s Going Down Tofu and Sun-dried Tomato "Cheese" Wrap

Here is the timeline I provided the cops the other night:

4:10-I arrived home with my daughter. I put some basted tofu in the oven and began cooking it.

4:15-I turned on Spotify so my daughter and I could do some dancing while we waited on the tofu. I turned on my playlist called "All the Punks Horses." Every once in a while my daughter likes heavy music.

4:20-I put a diaper on my head. My daughter laughed.

4:21-I put a box on my head over the diaper. She laughed harder and said "Dada, box, hat!"

4:22-My daughter handed me her mop. I tucked it down the back of my shirt like a floppy headed sword. She laughed harder still.

4:23-I picked up my computer lap protecter and began beating it like a drum. My daughter ran and got her xylophone. We made some sweet music for a bit.

4:29-The Chainsaw Hookers' "Never Sleep Again" played on the stereo. Right after the line "some shit's going down on my street" I heard a knock at the door. I turned the stereo down a little but forgot to remove my costume.

4:30-I opened the door. My neighbor, who was naked, stood there staring at me. I stared back at him. We looked each other up and down. At nearly the same time we yelled "WTF" (only we used the actual words and not the acronym, neither of us wants text lingo infiltrating our conversations). He ran away. I slammed the door.

4:40-I heard the toilet being ripped from the floor in his apartment. Next thing I know, water is gushing through the walls. Sometime during the process of ripping it out, I heard him exclaim "What kind of outfit was that?" Was it my fault he did what he did?

4:50-I took the tofu out of the oven and made the sandwiches (featured below).

Shit's Going Down Tofu and Sun-Dried Tomato "Cheese" Wrap
(printable version)

For the tofu:
-1/4 cup soy sauce
-1/4 cup veggie broth
-2 Tbs. maple syrup
-1 Tbs. liquid smoke
-1 Tbs. lemon juice
-1 Tbs. tomato paste
-1 Tbs. olive oil
-2 cloves garlic, pressed
-one block of tofu, sliced into small strips

For the sun-dried tomato and cashew cheese:
-1/3 cup cashews
-3 Tbs. canola oil
-1/8 cup lemon juice
-1/2 Tbs. Tahini
-1 Tbs. sun-dried tomatoes in oil

For the sandwich:
-sprouts
-lettuce
-avocado
-flat bread

1. To make the cheese: Soak the cashews overnight. Place them in a food processor with the oil, lemon juice and Tahini. Puree along with 2 tablespoons of water. Keep the processor running for six minutes so that all the cashews become smooth and creamy.

2. Spoon the mixture into a triple cheesecloth. Arrange into a log. Twist the ends of the cheesecloth and secure with rubber bands. Let sit, over a strainer, at room temperature for 12 hours. Discard cheesecloth. Chill.

3. Preheat over to 200 degrees Fahrenheit. Bake for 35 minutes. Remove from the oven and mash in the sun-dried tomatoes and oil.

4. To make the tofu: Mix all the ingredients, except for the tofu, in a small container. Put the tofu into a shallow rimmed dish. Pour the marinade overtop. Place in the refrigerator for at least two hours.

5. Preheat the oven to 450 degrees Fahrenheit. Remove the tofu from the marinade and place on a greased baking sheet. Bake for fifteen minutes. Remove from the oven. Flip the tofu pieces. Pour a little marinade overtop. Bake for ten minutes. Remove from the oven, flip and spoon the remaining marinade on. Bake for five more minutes. Remove from the oven and cool slightly.

6. Smother half of your flat bread with the cashew cheese. Line some tofu slices up down the middle. of the cheese mixture. Add a handful of sprouts, a few lettuce leaves and some avocado slices. Wrap the whole sandwich up. Eat while answering whatever questions the cops have.