Cook: Chocolate Lactation Squares

A person can only take so many nights of hearing their sick wife and child struggle to comfort each other at 4 AM before they want to step in and help (I know, f***ing martyr right?). After two of those sleepless nights J-Fur and I had the following problem-solving session (to set the scene, she was topless and struggling to breastfeed, I was groggily trying to change Z-Bot’s diaper):


Me: Why don’t you let me bottle feed Z-Bot so you can get some sleep.
Her: Not interested.
Me: I figured as much. Ok, then how can I help?
Her (a smirk spreading across her face): You really want to help?
Me (all eager dad like): Yea!
Her: Learn to breastfeed.
Me (nervously laughing): Ha, ha…I could’ve sworn you just said learn to breastfeed.
Her: I did.

I quickly finished changing the diaper and went back to bed extremely sorry that I had asked. The next morning I woke up and dragged myself to school thinking the whole conversation had been a dream. But around 11:00 I received an email from JFur that contained an article about male lactation. She was serious?!

I set an appointment with my doctor for a “physical”. While he was down around my balls I began one of those awkward conversations about “my friend.” I told the doctor that I had a “friend” named Barry Balls who wanted to try to lactate to help his wife out. The doctor suggested “Barry” try stimulating his nipples, starving himself or eating brewer’s yeast. The first two sounded absolutely
horrific. Brewer’s Yeast it was. For a week straight I drank the stuff in smoothie concoctions. Other than being a bit bitter, it wasn’t bad. But I quickly bored with smoothies three times a day. I did some research and came across this post from Squash Blossom Babies. Entitled “Lactation Station”, the post was all about using brewer’s yeast to make lactation supporting desserts. I was game. Of the three, the Chocolate Lactation Treats seemed to be the easiest (plus they were her favorite so I was sold). A simple exchange of vegan chocolate for the regular version and maple syrup for the honey created a lactation worthy dessert that was completely vegan. I was golden.

Has it worked? Sadly, not yet. But on the flip side both J-Fur and Z-Bot are feeling better so by the
time I actually start lactating, my milk won’t be needed. No problem, I’ve always dreamt about
breastfeeding a butterfly. I can use my “nectar” on that.

Hear this recipe here.